October 26, 2005
My chest is full... now it's a little emptier
I know I just submitted an entry, but I feel like writing.
Monday night I played Tooth Fairy. Squirt has lost two teeth recently and no one seems to be paying attention. So I slipped a dollar under his pillow. I was quite proud of myself actually. He didn't even stir. I've always worried that one day my kids will find me out, but Squirt has given me confidence.
I've been tired lately, and not just physically. Mom and Dad are always complaining to me and usually the subject of their complaints is me. I wish they could just somehow understand that I don't want to be bothered. I mean, I don't even understand or know how I'm feeling. And when I talk, I'm not talking down to them. I'm just being... something.
I wish I could go away fro the weekend. I just want to get away for a few days. Maybe it would put me in a better mood. I feel restless. I get this feeling a couple times a month so it's nothing new. I just feel like running, or swimming, or doing some other thing that's active. I don't know why, but I do. And I'm not really an active person. Sometimes I think I owuld like to be. But there's no time for anything active in my life. Mom and Dad are lucky I never got into sports after T-ball. What would they do if I wasn't at their beckoning call?
Okay, okay. Enough pity talk. It's just the restlessness and moodiness I guess.
I've been itching to write. But there is no inspiration. Or I should say there's lots of inspiration, but when I start to write nothing comes out. Only words. But they're the wrong words.
There's something wrong with me. I feel broken. I on't know if anyone can fix me. I'm not sure if I can fix me.
Maybe I need some human contact. You know, someone I'm comfortable with being around. In a place that I'm comfortable in. You'd think school would do it with me, but I'm no one there. I'm the wall flower. Sure, there's a group that considers me as one of there own, but am I really? What do they know about me? What do I know about them?
Names. That's all.
I think I'm going to try and write in my paper journal again. I wish I would stop abandoning it.
Those freshmen must've really struck a nerve. I feel a little depressed today. Where's my smile? I think my trademark has been stolen.
Sunday I made a buttermilk pie. It was quite interesting. I'd never heard of such a thing before. It wasn't bad. I think my next project will be potstickers. I think that's what they're called at least.
Okay, I'm feeling a little better now. You guys are great listeners. And so is Romania.
Thanks
scullerymaid at 9:23 p.m.