October 26, 2015
Keep it together
I'm beginning to realize that you're alone in this world. You may have friends, lovers, coworkers, and family, but ultimately you are all alone with no one except yourself.
Bitter thoughts, I know. I've just been feeling very defeated as of late and I don't know what to do about it. I think I've run out of options and there's just nowhere left to run.
I just got into an argument with my roommates. Over the same stuff. Cleaning. Cats. Money. The fact that I'm never home. I've decided to go ahead and take the blame for everything because I'm just tied of it all. It will be easier this way. They'll feel justified and I can stop feeling overwhelmed by this particular matter. Who cares if I'm in the right or they're in the right. I want it to be done. I've grown so weary.
Thursday was Brian's birthday. It was a hit if I do say so myself. Monica and I finagled our way into his apartment while he was at wish and decorated the page with birthday banners and balloons from the dollar store. We made him a cake and surprised him later in the night by singing him happy birthday outside his door. Then we took him out to karaoke. I acted as did and they both drank a couple pitchers of beer and and duets. The whole night Brian kept putting his arm around me and kissing me and even let me have a dance. It was a very nice night. I felt so connected to him and actually felt like perhaps he was connected to me again. Plus he really liked my presents. I spent two weeks meeting him a card. It was more like a comic strip really, with 29 comics that I wrote 29 reasons I love being with him and live our relationship. It was very personal, and quite adorable if I can gloat. Then I just got him a bunch of little things to throw into a gift bag.
Last night we went out to dinner with his parents. Once again, it was a very nice night. We went to this Brazilian steakhouse where they just keep bringing you out servings of meat. It was delicious! And it was the first time we've gone out to dinner with his patents without the rest of the family tagging along, which means there was a chance for more personal conversation. I love his parents, I really do. His dad is so funny and his mom and I share similar interests. They're just great!
But I still can't help but wonder how Brian feels about everything. I know I shouldn't be dwelling on it and I don't want to push him about things, but I can't shake this feeling of paranoia. I enjoy every second we spend together. Each day, I find a reason to fancy him just a little bit more and I would love more than anything to give him my all. But if I'm honest, I'm still just waiting for him to break up with me. It's the last thing I want and there only thing I think is certain and it just make me feel incredibly sad. I'm just so sad. We keep having these great moments and I think to myself how he just must not feel it.
I think after Brian I'm done dating for a bit. If someone as sweet and kind and affectionate as Brian can break my heart, I wasn't no more of this love disease. I'd rather be alone. Lord knows I can find a man easily enough, but I sure can't seem to keep one. They woo me and stir my feelings, but none of them love me back. So I think I'll give my poor heart a break.
People are so disappointing. But really I think I'm disappointing
scullerymaid at 3:40 p.m.