October 27, 2015

You've been on my mind

My feelings seem to come and go now. One minute, I feel like my optimistic self and I think about how all these things will pass. The next, I'm so nervous about everything I don't know how things could possibly ever get better.

I have to move soon. I'm absurdly quite excited about that, I just don't know how I'm going to afford it. But living on my own again is exactly the thing I need. I can't seem to explain this need I have to seclude myself. I think I'm just tired of being responsible for and to other people. It's annoying. It's stressful. For the most part, I like being alone anyway. All I've ever needed to feel connected was one friend. In fact, I don't think I'm very good at dividing my energy up amongst multiple people anyway. I can only bring one in at a time. Once it was Dancer. Then Popeguy (who is still my truest friend). I guess after college friend turned into boyfriend because there was TJ and now Brian. And I'm perfectly content with Brian being the main person I spend my time with. I have very good work friends so that really satisfies my social needs. I'm tired of going home at the end of the day to people that don't have an investment in me. Because I don't have an investment in them either.

I worried about this roommate talk tonight. I don't know what there is to talk about. It's just going to be a blame game. I wish they'd just let me be alone. I haven't shirked any of my duties. And the half cleaning I do now is still more than they clean. If it wasn't for Rascal shedding so much, they wouldn't even care what I did with myself. You know, because the other cats don't shed. It's so ridiculous. I truly can't wait to move.

Brian and I have spent a lot of time together this week on account of his birthday. Then last night he invited me to the movies with his brother. I told him they could have a brother bonding night, but he reiterated that he was inviting me. Since I get out late, we meet at the theater. I figured we would part ways after the film, but his brother kept talking to me in the street so Brian said we should regroup at his place. I hope he didn't feel pressured to do so. I hope he never feels pressured to do anything with me. The more I get to know Brian, the more aware I am of his anxieties. Of how he interacts with different people. Even around his family, there's a slight tension in his voice. He seems so at ease around me, maybe things really are okay. I really would like to stop dwelling on that, but I can't help it. I want this to work so bad, and I see no reason for it not to. I don't think he's perfect, but I choose him anyway. I'm patient with his anxieties and am trying to understand his needs. He's not always as affectionate as he could be and our sexlife is borderline nonexistent. But that's okay. I like our friendship. I like the balance we seem to strike, and we also have a lot of similarities and outlooks on things. I like that I can talk to him and day things out loud I wouldn't usually share.

But whatever. One day at a time. That's all I can do in any of this. My sugar is still testing really high off and on. Guess we'll see what that's about next week. I really don't want to increase my meds. Things were looking so good!

scullerymaid at 1:15 p.m.

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