June 18, 2015
New job!
It's been a few days. Blame my busy schedule! But I have a couple updates. First, I found a second job! Praise the lord almighty that took long enough, didn't it? Have you ever heard of Postmates? It's like a delivery service, rather similar to Uber and Lyft except you're delivering things instead of people. Should be exciting, and hopefully lucrative. I liked it because you basically create your own schedule. So I can start driving directly after work, or on Saturdays when I'm generally free. It's just a matter of turning on the app and waiting for jobs. I am nervous about how much work will be available. It just launched here last week and I had never heard of it before, but they seem confident in expansion so fingers crossed this will help me get back on my feet. Pay off some debt. Pay back some people. Maybe do some travelling. My friend Janet works for both Uber and Lyft and she makes a pretty penny doing that on weekends. I would have signed up for Uber ages ago, but my car is too old. Fortunately, that's not an issue with Postmates. Maybe I'll start tonight! I just so happen to be off tomorrow. I might still drop off my resume at Mission BBQ, but I don't know if they'll be as flexible with my schedule.
TJ has been messaging me a lot. I'd like to blame it on the fact that he's been working in Richmond, which is especially lonely, but let's be real. He misses me. At least, he thinks he misses me. This is what happens every time we break up, right? Only we've never been broken up for so long before. I feel like he's getting worse. Maybe not sad. I think that's the wrong word, but I worry about him. I just want him to be happy. I seriously think there has always been something wrong with him and it just makes my heart ache to think of how unhappy he always seems to be. But he'll be fine. Maybe we'll be friends again. Maybe not. Clearly, he has feelings no matter how often he denies it. We might need more time before we can hang out again.
Brian and I will have been dating for two months come Saturday. Doesn't seem like it. There are days when I feel like I've just met him. Days when I still feel shy and anxious in the newness of everything. Then there are days when I feel like we must have known each other forever. Days when I try to remember how things were before he came into the picture, but it's too blurry to imagine. I'm still quite content with things for the most part. It pleases me immensely that he doesn't mind spending time with me. If he does, he's the best god dang actor in the world. And I still appreciate the fact that I get all the kisses and hand holding that I desire. The whole sex thing is still a factor, but whatever, Hopefully practice makes perfect. And hopefully soon. I've only had sex a handful of times and I feel like I'm about ready to itch myself right out of my skin. It's getting bad. So much so that I'm starting to have all kinds of erotic dreams, which just leave me all the more feeling unsatisfied and frustrated. But I don't want to tell him about those. I want to move at his pace and see what happens. But it is so hard. This is the longest stretch of irregular sex I've ever experienced and I really do feel like I'm having withdrawals. Fortunately, I get to do a lot of making out to try to counter balance things. I'm not trying to complain. I enjoy out intimate moments. But I can't wait for them to improve over time.
There are a few things I was thinking about the other day, though, things that bother me a little. I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to him, feeling more and more intimate, and I can't tell if he is getting closer- if he is feeling intimate. I've decided this is nothing at all to worry about. It's old experiences clouding my brain. It's just, I share stories. Dark, deep stories. Stories about this hard life I've led. Stories about the hardships I still live. Insecurities, fears, nightmares. He doesn't really share these kinds of things with me, then the other day I realized why. He hasn't lived a hard life. His family strikes me as being very privileged. I don't know if it's always been so, but you should see their freaking property! It's almost like my dream home. So I can't expect him to connect with me on that level, can I? He does a great job at empathizing, but he doesn't have anything to share. He's never been homeless. His mother has never been to jail, his brother's have never been to prison. He hasn't had to take out loans or borrow money just to keep food in his belly or a roof over his head. His heart was broken once, sure, but what other hardship has there been? As far as I can tell, none. Perhaps he was a little depressed, a little lonely, but he hasn't had to survive. He isn't destitute.
That reminds me. He annoyed me a little bit yesterday. Last week I finally broke down and explained my financial situation a little bit. When I had money I have money and I don't mind being generous with it. But when I'm broke, I have pennies to my name. With this whole dentist fiasco, I was down to pennies. So he's been paying for things. A couple trips to the movies. A share subway sub. Well, last night I was talking about picking up this case of ginger beer he had been wanting to get because they happen to carry it at my grocery store. Well, he made a statement about how he thought I was broke and it made me feel like he was questioning my honesty about being poor. Seriously, I have no money. There is literally .98 cents in my back account right now, and my other account is over drafted. It's just my roommate slipped me a 20 for cooking dinner a couple nights in a row, so I thought I would pick up Brian's beer as a sort of thank you for the money that he's been spending. And now I don't want to because I feel like he was questioning his trust in me. He probably wasn't. It was an innocent enough conversation, but now I have those thoughts in the back of my head. I'm so thankful I have this second job now because I don't ever want to be questioned. If I don't have any money, I don't have any money! Sometimes circumstances just work in my favor and I come across little life savers that boost me along until next payday.
So then I began thinking about my own sense of trust in him. And I do trust him. I trust he won't cheat on me. I trust he'll respect my thoughts and feelings. But I don't trust that he'll ever love me. I don't trust that he won't just disappear one day. I know these are my own insecurities shining through, and I don't mean to be that way, but it's the truth. Sometimes I feel a little on edge because I'm just waiting for the day for him not to return my call or to tell me he doesn't want to see me anymore. He once told me he's looking for a best friend and soulmate, and I'm scared he'll never look at me that way. I also don't trust him with my body. If we aren't having sex consistently and constantly as new lovers should, I don't want to reveal myself to him. As a chubby girl, I still have moments of weakness wear I'm a little embarrassed of my fat bits and I feel like if he isn't comfortable enough with me to partake in intercourse, then I'm not going to choose to be comfortable enough to share my body. Plus, a tiny voice in the back of my head fears that we'll never get over this bump. I sure pray that we do, but what happens if we don't? Did he have this issue with his first girlfriend? I'm scared to ask...
I don't know. Just silly thoughts right? Leftover trauma from years of putting up with TJ's bullshit. I know I need to let it go. But I also need to be met halfway. Speaking of insecurities, there was one other incident where Brian annoyed me. He was sick this weekend so didn't want me spending the night. We spent our days together, but he would shoo me off at night. Which is fine. I just didn't like his approach. At first, he said something about not getting enough sleep. I don't remember his words exactly, and it wasn't a big deal. It's just, I haven't had a full nights sleep since we started dating. Because I'm either with him and we're staying up really late, or I'm at home and we're talking on the phone really late. Then I have to get up the next morning and go to work. He gets to sleep in because he works nights. So that statement just rubbed me the wrong way because I'm exhausted. But I believe the sacrifice in sleep is worth the little bit of time we get to spend together. Then one of those nights I asked him if he wanted me to go home and he said no. Then took it back! You can't take things back. If I offer to leave, I'm prepared to do so without getting my feelings hurt. But if you take it back, all those insecurities come back up. And we had just talked about those insecurities I have about spending too much time together. That was TJ's problem. I want to make sure it's not a problem now. So for him to say it's fine then say it's not really made me clam up. And then I feel bad for clamming up.
It wasn't really a big deal. And I know I'm ridiculous. But these are the things that get to me, especially since I'm already questioning our sense of intimacy. But other than that, things are great. I have no intention of going anywhere. I want to nurture this and watch it grow. Hopefully he wants to do the same.
scullerymaid at 11:07 a.m.