July 19, 2012
Are we really over...
Last night TJ told me he wants to break up. It's about time he said the words, though I honestly thought it would take him a little while longer to do so. Maybe another few months. He said he need to be wild and free and doesn't know if he'll ever be ready to settle down. Too bad he couldn't figure that out before he asked me to move in. Seriously? Seriously?!
But the worst part? I have no idea where we stand. He said it, but it doesn't really seem real yet. I was tossing and turning all night and couldn't sleep, with his laying right next to me, and got up this morning for work feeling numb, determined not to breakdown while doing prep for the day. I got off at 11 and he came home for his lunch break and he kept trying to cheer me up. Touch me. Comfort me. Make me smile. He even tried to kiss me before he went back in, but I pulled away. Are you kidding me? He just said he wanted to break up. That he didn't want to do those things with me anymore. That he wanted to stop pretending. Yet he still looked for his good bye kiss. It took all my willpower not to start crying until he left, though a few tears did manage to slip out. Oh, and he wants me to go to the movies tonight with him and his friends.
What. The. Fuck. Every time we have a serious talk about our relationship, the next day he goes on as if everything is all honky dory. But I'm the immature one. Because I'm the one with feelings and because I'm the one that reacts, I'm the child. He's only the fucker that brought me here. It's not like I asked to move in. He asked. And at the time, I had other choices. I could've moved to Richmond or stayed with my dad or got a place with Artist. I could have gone to Washington with Popeguy. Now it's too late for all those things. I chose him over my friends and now he just wants to get rid of me? And that's not even it. He's fine with me being here until I find a stable job.
I guess he hasn't realized I've been looking for a stable job for over a year now. What if it takes another year? Are we just supposed to stay together in this house. Are we going to keep our roles as bf and gf? How the hell is that going to work out?!
I just can't believe he tried to kiss my good bye. Just last night I told him he couldn't keep flip flopping on me. He could stand there and tell me one day he had no feelings for me, and then the next day act all cuddly. That's not how it works. He's one or the other. Either he cares for me or he doesn't. I don't even care if he doesn't feel passionate love for me. I was content with slight love (I blame this book Entre Nous I've been reading about French Women and different love styles- Pah!). Anyway, so last night he said he wouldn't do it anymore. He wouldn't kiss me. He wouldn't pretend. Then what does he go and do today! How am I supposed to respond to this?
There's a part of me that wishes he would just kick me out. Do it and be done with it. He gave me this spiel about how much I do for him, how he enjoys living with me, how everyone loves me. But he just doesn't have that "sensation." He cares for me. I should stop making him sound like he's so heartless. He would never kick me out, yada yada yada.
I just don't understand. Why did he bother with all this? Why bring me here, why string me along. He knew all along how I felt. He had to of. I think I made it pretty obvious. All he said was he gave it a try. He gave it a good run. I just can't comprehend why he would bring me here if he knew all along he just wanted to be free. I don't understand why it's so hard for him to love me.
And even more, I don't understand why the hell I'd want his love. Why would I want a person like him to love me? Clearly, love isn't something he's interested in. He'd rather just float around untethered leading people on and then pushing them away. He'd rather leave his boxers on during sex than experience the glory of nudity. Talk about being free! He'd probably rather keep me in a corner somewhere for future use after he has his little break. Pah pah pah and pah!
I know I'm the golden ticket. I know my worth in a relationship. I just don't understand why I'm so inclined to settle for someone like him. I keep telling myself because I love him, but why should I waste my heart?
You know, he's a good guy. He's generous, makes me laugh, and when he is affectionate, I feel like I'm on top of the world. Let's not forget that he's also very attractive. Scrawny, but attractive. I didn't think I hit Gold with him, but I was pretty happy with Silver. And now he wants to ruin it all.
What am I supposed to do now? Just tomorrow I was going to go sign up for culinary school. Guess I better wait. I just can't get my head together. I can't decide what I want to do. I really loved it here. I guess I'll bide my time here for awhile until I can think straight. He said himself that he doesn't want me to just walk out the door.
I swear if he tried to kiss me again when he gets home from work, I'm going to punch him! That right there is the very thing that confuses me so
scullerymaid at 12:42 p.m.