July 23, 2012
Trio
The men that break my heart always have a way of infiltrating my life. It's almost infuriating the way they come around. Yet I'm not angry. I haven't been able to find my anger. I feel like I should be angry. I should be pissed as hell. But the only thing that seems to linger right now is a sense of melancholy mixed in with false hope.
Zach messaged me the other night. He messaged me a variety of explicit things he would like to do with me. I'm not surprised. We had a very physical relationship. That's one thing we at least had in sync. But I don't know if I could bring myself to see Zach again. Maybe. Right now my heart just feels so full, the idea of him touching me repulses me. The idea of anyone touching me besides TJ repulses me. I don't know when that happened. Zach wasn't a bad road. I have fond memories with him, though he did have a couple douche moments. I just don't know if I could handle seeing him while my heart is falling apart. I don't know if I can handle seeing anyone, which I find to be absolutely hilarious because my old mo was to jump right back onto the horse without giving myself a chance to get over a break up. If you're seeing someone else, no need to dwell on the old person right. And now all I want to do is mourn. All I want to do is be with TJ. Absolutely ridiculous.
To top things off, Peace is moving. Here. To my city. Literally down the road. For those of you who are unaware, Peace was my first love. Well, my first puppy love. He was the first boy to ever show me real interest and then he just stomped all over my heart. It's for the best I'm sure, but now I can't stop thinking about how he will be living so close I could bump into him. We never gave our fling a real chance. I almost want to go jump his bones just to show him what he missed out on.
But I shouldn't think like that. Part of the reason I started dating TJ in the first place is because I was tired of sleeping around all the time. If TJ and I really break up, I don't want to do that again. I don't want to fuck every guy I meet just because my heart is trying to keep it together. Not that Peace is just any guy. Nor is Zach. But that's besides the point. My point is, i had my wild girl days and I was so ready to settle down for awhile. But being single could be fun. You can't deny it.
But I'm not single. Not yet anyway. I don't know what I am. TJ and I still act like a couple. He still plays with me and pokes me and looks out for my well being. He still sleeps with me. I don't initiate anything. I don't kiss him good bye. I don't try to cuddle next to him on the couch. I go about my own business, cooking, cleaning, reading, sunning. I laugh at his jokes and wish I could reach out and touch him, but I refuse to. I don't know where we stand so I'm just waiting to see how his behavior is going to change. Has he even noticed the change in mine?
Sometimes I hate it when he looks at me. It's a certain look, one that I don't see often. It's a look I have to stalk like prey and then catch unawares. When I see him give me that look, I don't understand how someone that looks at me like that doesn't love me. It makes me feel loved. It makes my heart race. But it's a meaningless look. One that I must have misinterpreted countless times.
There are times when I don't even understand why I cling to TJ so. I don't know how he's won my love and I don't know why my love wants to be kept. Just last night I was admiring the way he moves, the way he looks, the way he talks. I admired the definition of his muscles, the quirkiness of his laugh, and the way he runs his hand down my leg. I'm really going to miss his penis one day.
Enough if this for today!
scullerymaid at 2:08 p.m.