May 22, 2012
Cereal
I don't know why I chose to stay with TJ. You know, before I actually loved him. I should be going to Washington with Popeguy. I should be exploring the world. But instead, I chose to stay here and for the life of me I can't figure out why. You know, it's been a year and a month and the longer we are together the more I love him and the more he stays the same. Once again, I just don't understand what he's so afraid of. And if he's so afraid, why didn't he just dump me seven months ago and be done with it? I hate it when he treats me affectionately because in the back of my mind I keep thinking that his feelings are finally growing...but they never do.
So why am I here? And more importantly, why did I choose to stay here? Why didn't I leave all those times I had a chance? Now I'm here and I don't want to leave and he doesn't want me to leave, but where does that really leave us? None of it makes any sense. But I guess it never has made sense, has it. It all just came together and he kept bringing me deeper and deeper into his life until I wanted to stay.
He likes me. Are we in kindergarten? I like lots of people. That doesn't mean I'm going live with them, build a home with them, and play house. Why is it so hard to open yourself up to feelings?
But I promise I will crack his heart open before he breaks mine down. And then I will leave. Maybe it'll take another year, two years, but I will teach him what it means to love someone.
scullerymaid at 10:14 a.m.