October 27, 2011
Hunting
Today is one of my restless days where I wish I had the gas to hop in my car and just keep driving. Driving driving driving away from everything. I hate it when I feel this way. I don't know what causes it. All things considered, I have a pretty good life.
Maybe I'm stressing out about what to do this upcoming year. I don't think I'm ready for grad school. I don't have the funds. I don't have the time to write and study. I don't think it's quite right yet. So where does that leave me? Getting a real job I suppose. Or following Popeguy. Or going off with some other friend. Honestly, I would just love to disappear for awhile. What am I going to do when all my friends are gone? Popeguy will go to grad school, and Artist and Math will probably be teaching somewhere. What will I do? Where do my career strengths lie? Will I still be with TJ? By the time next summer rolls around will we be the it couple, haha. The idealist in me would like to say yes. The idealist in me would love to think that this winter will blossom into a love fest between the two of us and maybe next year he'll be asking me to move in and then
I could breathe while figuring out what to do.
But that's just the idealist in me, the voice in my head panicing about my future. But I do wonder where we'll be next year. For someone that wasn't feeling our relationship for the longest time, he sure does talk like we'll still be together next year. Honestly, it's better not to think about it.
I don't understand why I feel so lost. I'm supposed to be the successful one. I did well in high school, went off to college, and now I should be working a job maing real money and living on my own. Do I want to stay here? Do I want to move with Popeguy? Do I want to just go to Montana or Pennsylvania or anywhere?
I don't know. I wisj I had a plan. But the more I think of one the less realistic it sounds.
scullerymaid at 2:02 p.m.