September 20, 2011
Me tocas en la noche
Last night while we were in bed and TJ was stroking my side, he stopped his hand over my hip and told me I have good child bearing hips. Ha, I don't think my hips are all that defined, but then again I don't spend a lot of time analyzing them. I found it a weird thing for him to say, but I was also drunk and decided not to think about it, though the conversation is in my head right now. Actually, there's one thing he said last night that's been running through my head all morning. You put me in a hard position. I wonder what he meant by that. At the time, I didn't think to ask. I just wanted him to keep touching me. Bad habits, diary, bad habits. Now that I don't really talk to TJ he seems to talk to me a little more. Not as much as we did in the beginning- but now that I've been ignoring him I've noticed a change. Is that the problem? Is is that we're supposed to play the cat mouse dating game? I'm not much for playing that game. It's so exhausting! But if that's how he wants to play it, I'm more than capable. Not that I expect his feelings to change or anything. But it's nice to see him being the frustrated one as opposed to me. We have such a strange relationship.
This morning he left me in his bed when he went to work. I think he finally realized that I wasn't working for the catering company anymore because later he started texting me about it. I told him with no car yet I simply couldn't make it work. Now he wants to take me car hunting and sounded all concerned for me. I hate it when he's like that. It makes me feel like he cares. And I guess he does...just not in the way I want him to. I hate it when we're out together, like last night, and he wants to go shopping for fall clothes or do this and do that together. Sometimes I want to shout at him and demand why in the world he would want to do those things with me. When he tells me stories about his family, I want to ask why he bothers telling me these things that he no longer wants to include me in. But mostly I hate how when we're together maybe always pops into my head. It's not a good attitude to have.
I know he's no good for me. But as long as I still have feeings for him and can't bring myself to go on dates, perhaps I'll keep seeing him. A girl has needs!
Sometimes I think he views me as this damsel in distress. With the whole car thing and not going to work, I think he sees me as something that needs taken care of. Little does he know that I've been working since the day I quit my other job and have more money right now than I've had in like three months. Things work out, diary. That is one belief I hope to always hold firm to.
I'm not a weakling, no matter how much I might feel down.
scullerymaid at 1:20 p.m.