August 25, 2011
Good bye Amalthea
Well, my car is totalled. The insurance company is only paying for a rental through tomorrow. I have no idea how to get to and from work (it's not like it's within walking distance anymore). A hurricane is coming. My cat has been stolen. My boyfriend who isn't my boyfriend is still sending me mixed signals (are actions really louder than words...because the two are not lining up). Life always seems to get worse and worse. Why doesn't it ever get better? It's like hurdle after hurdle. As soon as I think I'm going to make it through one and move on, something bad happens again.
I fail at life. I feel like nothing is even worth a bother anymore.
I can barely make rent. How am I suppose to make car payments? I worked so hard to pay mine off. She was supposed to last me at least a couple more years. That was one thing I could count on. And she was destroyed in what I thought was only a fender bender.
Stupid mustang. Stupid job. Stupid apartment. Stupid boy. Stupid old lady. Stupid parents. Stupid insurance company. Stupid grad school. Stupid summer. Stupid broken heart. Stupid grandma. Stupid hurricane. Stupid life. Stupid stupid stupid!
The only thing that's making me smile right now is the hurricane. I wouldn't mind a good storm (hopefully it's not all that bad). But my parents are headed north and I have to work tomorrow and return the rental. I don't want to be alone. I would very much enjoy spending the storm with TJ but I don't know how he feels about that. We still play house...but his lack of something is making it harder and harder. It's like the more interested I become, the less interested he is. Yet he still wants me to come over and hang out. Apparently I have a cool personality. It's not fair, diary. Last night we had such a good time. Most nights this week I had a blast with him. I don't understand why it's not working. The way we act, you'd think that we were a "real" couple. But I guess we're not. I know I should leave. I know that being here is only going to hurt me- I'm already hurting. But nights like last night make me think that there's hope.
I wish I were a more pessamistic person.
scullerymaid at 8:02 p.m.