June 08, 2011
On edge
Since I was feeling edgy and in a funk all day yesterday I decided to ask TJ if I could come over and sleep with him. I generally like sleeping with people and cuddling and since Popeguy now lives with that couple, we don't really have pillow nights anymore. TJ was the next best choice, plus I just like spending time with him. He's still new to me no matter how much I like him and I have occassional shy moments. So the more time I spend with him the easier it becomes. I felt weird asking to come over though. He always asks me and then I always end up agreeing. For me to just flat out ask made me feel like I was treading on his toes. Of course, he said he didn't mind and I hope he would be honest with me about it, so after I went walking with mom I drove out there.
Last night was one of my shy nights. Maybe it was just left over jitters from the whole day. But I walked around and watched him do his laundry. Then he taught me how to play Texas Hold 'Em, which was cool. I don't completely understand the betting yet, but most things that involve numbers I tend to ignore. I liked it though. Maybe this time I'll actually remember how to play. I love playing cards. I just happen to forget how to play after a day or so.
By midnight I was falling asleep so we went to bed. That usually when we go to bed anyway because he works at 8. So while we were laying there and he was "comforting me" as he called it (cuddling), he said he was looking into full size beds and trying ti figure out how to rearrange his room. He needs to take measurements.
I'm going to take this as another good sign. He's been sleeping in his tiny ass bed for a few years now and told me he never had a reason to upgrade. Does that mean I'm his reason? Is he finally getting a bigger bed because he plans on me sticking around for awhile and the two of us sleeping together. I sure hope so. And a bigger bed would be fabulous. Don't get me wrong. I find it a little on the romantic side that the two of us snuggle up in this- for lack of a better word- child's bed, but a bigger bed would be a warm welcome.
I wish I could read him better. I'd like to think that I'm pretty good at reading people but I can't get anything out of his to save my life. He doesn't share his thoughts very often and never his feelings. I'm constantly guessing and having to watch for clues. When he's moody, he doesn't tell me why and I become moody. When he's quiet, I don't know if he's just being pensive and observent, or if something is the matter. These things don't really bother me. I may rant and rave somethimes but I have lots of patience. He's like a mystery and I like that. He makes me laugh in unexpected ways.
I really do like him, diary, and that really scares me.
It also triples my lack of interest in moving to Richmond. I really don't want to go. When I think about it, a pit forms in my stomach. I love SB to death and we would make great roommates, but my life is here. I wish I had realized this sooner before I agreed to move. I can't even remember how or why I agreed to this. What happened to my plan on getting an apartment on my own? Where did that idea go? I feel like I'm screwing myself over. I have a boyfriend now. I just got this job. My friends are here and now so is my family. Why the hell am I moving? But I can't think of any simple solution out of it. I don't want to tell her I changed my mind because I failed my last two sets of roommates. I moved out and our friendship suffered for awhile. I don't want to do that to SB...but I don't want to go either. I have no idea what to do. I thought about splitting my time between there and here but I don't know how well that would work out and eventually I would burn out.
Right now my extremely passive plan of action is praying that she can't get a job. With no job we can't get into an apartment. No apartment, no moving. But what if her parents co-sign? Then I'm fucked again. I could start seriously applying for jobs in this area and then tell her I have too good of an opportunity to pass. That means I'd have to quit Ruby's if I really got a bite and I'd feel bad about that, too, but at least I'd be in the area. Then I'd have to explain why I was applying for jobs in this area and not in Richmond.
I know I should just be honest with her, but after leaving Bonadio and then the girls I feel like I have this sense of honor I need to uphold/renew. Stupid, I know, but I can't just walk out. I wish I knew someone else she could live with.
I just want to stay here! Maybe I could use my dad as an excuse...
I need to consult my mother. The two of us together are usually master minds.
scullerymaid at 1:12 p.m.