March 27, 2011
Waiting wishing hoping
Okay, it's time to be honest here for a second. The truth is I just want to be with Zach. I know I shouldn't want to, especially after his little disappearing act, but it is what it is. A part of me is disappointed in myself for never ending that chapter like I said I would, but he is my lover and has been for the past three months. Of course, I know our relationship is never going to go in that direction and I do realize that is probably a good thing, but still...I'd rather go out with him casually than go out on all these dates. I think I want to stop dating for a while. This might have to do with the fact that one of my friends is now pregnant (and I know it's not the dating part that makes you pregnant. I think it's also my introversion self becoming exhausted from talking to so many different people.
But yes, I just want to be with Zach. Yesterday I found out that I'm the only one he has been with since we've been together. When he told me that i felt a little guilty. The whole Jordan incident and all. Then I felt dirty. I know there's no need to since we aren't in a committed relationship whatsoever. But the part of me that always said I would wait til marriage before having sex is feeling a little unfaithful. I'm sure those feelings will subside by tomorrow, but either way I just don't feel like dating anymore. I have a convenient setup right now. It won't be a forever thing, but it's nice for right now. Maybe I'll resume dating again in the summer when Zach is deployed. Maybe that will be the end of our chapter.
I do love sleeping with him though. And I don't mean sex. I mean sleeping with him. The way he intertwines his limbs with mine and basically engulfs me is very nice. I've never been very comfortable sleeping with people. Usually I toss and turn the whole night and don't get any sleep. But I can sleep laying against him and I do wish we did it more often.
But all these are just silly thoughts that need to be scattered to the wind!
I'm still patiently waiting for my period to arrive. I took my last pill last night so maybe it'll come tonight? I don't really know how it works. Last time it came in the middle of the last week. This time I guess it's waiting til the end. My period has always always been super irregular so maybe that too has something to do with it. I just wish it would come already. You'd think since I'm so paranoid I would be super careful. And I am pretty careful. I mean, isn't part of being on the pill is to not worry about getting pregnant? But getting on it has made me worry 10 times more. Probably because I'm more aware of my body's workings now.
Crazy what happens in life I tell ya, crazy!
Fingers are still double crossed...
scullerymaid at 3:32 p.m.