February 28, 2011
Joe, Chris, Mike, etc, etc
Remember how last night I was talking about how I'm still on survival mode and constantly feel restless? Well, sometimes I think I've been dating so much recently because I secretly hope finding a boyfriend will help ground me. I'm naturally a nurturer and if I can focus on someone else for a change, I think all this hidden anxiety would settle down. Maybe. Or maybe I'm just making up excuses and looking for solutions. It doesn't matter all that much I suppose.
Speaking of dating, I can't decide if I want to keep fishing around or just stick with Zach until he gets deployed. A part of me thinks it would be easier to for real put an end with Zach when he leaves. Right now I feel like we'd both be tempted to follow old habits if we agreed to split (not that we're together!). Or perhaps I should just close this chapter for good and go out with someone else less complicated. Someone that isn't being deployed and wants a real relationship with me instead of a casual fling. Someone that will go out to dinner with me at night and let me sleep in and cuddle in the morning. I think that's one of the things I love most of all- waking up in the morning to a good snuggle. I don't want just sex or just going out. I want the whole packaged deal. As much as I like to pretend that I have commitment issues and don't want a serious relationship, I'm ready to settle down a little bit and really get to know someone. I want to have those butterflies. I want that silly smile as goofy as it makes me feel. I want to fall in love. And I think the more I keep saying it to myself, the more open I'll be to the idea.
I need to stop being afraid of getting hurt. I need to stop trying to stay one step ahead of whoever I'm with. I need to just let what's supposed to happen...happen! Right? I'm pretty sure that's how it goes.
I need to go grocery shopping. I'm so hungry!
scullerymaid at 2:47 a.m.