December 17, 2010
This is my journey
Oh. My. GOD! I'm so excited right now, I just want to jump up and down with joy and run around the house screaming like a lunatic. I just tried on a pair of Math's jeans...and they fit me. Not a perfect fit, mind you, but a fit all the same. For good measure, I tried on three more pair just to make sure I wasn't going crazy. They fit me! You don't understand how incredibly amazing that is. It's like a new phenomenon. It's ground breaking even. Math wears a 12/13, 13/14 (she has great hips). When I came to college, I could wear up to a size 20/22. That's how large I was at freaking 18- at 18, people! And now look. I can slip myself into my skinny friend's jeans. I never dreamed that I would ever be anything but another fat girl. I resigned myself to that fate, knowing I was doomed to always hide myself away from the world in embarrassment and shame- not that there's anything wrong with being fat. It's not like I've lived a depressed life or anything. It's just, I let my weight hold me back. There's so many things I didn't do because I was fat and I didn't want people to stare at me and whisper things. Frankly, I allowed myself to be ashamed of my body and the way I looked. Not anymore, baby! Look what I've accomplished! And the funny part is I still have quite a bit of my belly. I have some serious toning left to do and could still bear to lose a decent amount of weight. Yet, I can fit into her pants. So imagine, if I'm still currently overweight and can fit into her jeans, just imagine what size I could fit into if I wasn't overweight anymore. Thinking about that makes a part of me want to cry. But I won't. Instead I'm going to make it my mission to find out what my natural size is by golly! I'm going to be fit and healthy and exude self-confidence. I'm going to love my body and stop hiding it for goodness sake! There isn't enough time in the world to keep hiding. I'm going to continue what I'm doing and be happy.
You know, in high school my mom convinced me that I had big bones, that my frame was naturally big and if I could get down to a 16, I wouldn't look fat. This summer I bought a pair of jeans for the first time in five years. They were a size 16. Right now, a belt can't keep them from sliding off my butt. And after the pounds started shedding, I discovered that I have a small bone frame- I'm not big boned at all! My mom was astounded when she could suddenly wrap her fingers around my wrists.
This process has been eye-opening for me. The transformation I've gone through alone has boggled my mind. Those bones you can see below your neck...I could never see mine until now. My face isn't as chubby, my shoulders have slimmed down, and my waist is shrinking. I cringe when I see photos of me from freshman year.
I've been talking about losing weight for years. I just never thought I would have the strength to actually do it. I never thought I'd be open enough to talk about it either. Yet look, look at how far I've come. This is a very proud moment for me, and I can't wait until the next time I get excited enough to write an entry about it!
scullerymaid at 2:15 a.m.