December 15, 2010
Cavewoman
A long time ago, I wrote an entry about love. I've been thinking about love again. I once mentioned that love scares me. Well, that's not true. Love terrifies me. The idea of loving someone makes my heart falter and my muscles tense. The idea of someone loving me sends ripples of doubt and fear down my spine. I can't imagine opening up to someone- truly opening up. I can't fanthom exposing my neck to another being like a wolf submitting to her alpha. It's ludacris! If it's not going to work out in the long run, why waste effort for the present?
And yet when I watch people in love, hear their stories and are shown their cute-sy tests, my heart aches. My entire being longs for what they have. I yearn for that special companionship that always seems just outside of my grasp. I curse myself for being so close-minded, for not allowing people to get to know me. I curse myself for being afraid to put myself out there. My fear is my enemy. I constantly ask myself who would want to love me. But the truth is, no one is denying me love. I'm denying myself.
So how to fix the error of my ways? How can I shut off that voice in my head? How can I be less rational and more irrational? Because otherwise I'm just going to let momments pass me by and eventually become and empty shell incapable of love. No one wants that to happen to them. No one.
So what to do? My thoughts jump to using that dating site my mom signed me up for months ago. But the internet creeps me out. People viewing my profile and seeing what I look like (I havne't uploaded a pic yet in my paranoia) creeps me out? Talking to strange men on the internet puts me in panic mode. But this is a new age, isn't it? I guess people don't meet in bars and on the streets anymore. Now the dating scene is virtual. So should I take a chance? Just for shits and giggles. Should I stop hiding in my cave and put myself out there?
What do you think?
scullerymaid at 2:01 a.m.