September 15, 2010
Lurking
Panick. Someway or another, my days have become full of panic. I stalk through campus, shoulders stiff and eyes straight beause I know the creature is behind me. He lurks in m shadow prepared to attack, and it takes all my willpower now to fall to the ground and hyperventilate. But he sends me visions of what it would be like to surrender. I see myself on that ground, unable to breath and dying, and I would be released from all this worry. I would no longer have to be on gaurd all my waking hours. Because I would officially be crazy and they would send my somewhere where my tire wouldn't go flat causing me to miss class. I wouldn't have to even worry about class because they'd probably take me out of school for having a mental breakdown. I wouldn't have to worry about my roommates pestering me because I would inform my ex-landlord of my new health issues and she would be kind and understand and tell them to stop and leave me alone. The panick would take me and I'd no longer be me. I could hide deep inside myself until the world seems safe again.
But I won't allow this to happen. I will not be defeated by my new enemy who is trying to pose as my dear friend. I will not fall to my knees and claw at the ground because I can't breath. I will do my school work even if fate keeps making me miss class and I will graduate! I will not show my ex-roommates any weakness. I will put all this behind me and move on with my life. Then I wan worry about more appropriate things like the GRE, gradschool, and finding a new fucking job away from those fake friends/ex-roommates.
And then I'll breeze though campus with my head held high because Panick will not be breathing down my neck any longer.
Through all of this, however, i've suddenly become prone to hysteria in order to keep the beast at bay. I encourage whatever moments of joy I can find and then end up smiling like a hyenia or laughing at somehting in such away that I worry for my own sanity. One way that I do this, aside from random occurences on the street, is by reading hyperbole and a half. Grat blog. Her cartoons are beyound compare when it comes to humor. Check her out.
scullerymaid at 10:29 a.m.