August 03, 2010
If you really knew me:
I just wathed If You Really Knew Me on MTV with my roommates and it really struck a cord with me. So here it goes:
If you reall knew me, you'd know that
In the past year I've felt utterly and completely abandoned by my best friend, the person that is always supposed to be there. Then he gave me an ultimatum and I wanted to die because I felt so betrayed. But I can't leave because it's him. He's my person and no matter what he does to hurt me, I can't not forgive him. And now we're okay because we realized one day that fighting is stupid. But I don't think we'll ever really be the same and that knowledge breaks my heart.
Since leaving home and going to college I've lost 50 lbs. But when I look in the mirror sometimes all I see is a fat girl. Even though I know, I know for a fact, that I'm smaller than I've been in the past 10 years, I actually feel heavier and it drives me crazy.
There's a lot of things about my childhood that I don't remember. Snippets just erased. Sometimes people tell me that my life growing up wasn't that great and for the life of me I can't remember why. I thought it was pretty good for the most past. And yet I'm told otherwise. How did I have it so bad?
The only sober kiss I've had was my first kiss and I didn't enjoy it at all. Then I went a little crazy and kissed six guys in probably a two week period. I didn't even know the name of one of them. Now I'm scared to kiss someone without having a shot of vodka because all I can think about is that first kiss and how much it disgusted me. But really, I think I'm just scared to let someone get to know me. At a party, a kiss doesn't really mean anything. Outside on my doorstep is a totally different story.
I've also kissed (or they kissed me) two of my female roommates and two of my female friends equalling a total of four girls. Granted, this kissing usually took place at dance clubs. One of my roommates calls it being barsexual.
I'm scared to graduate college because I have no idea what to do once I receive that diploma. Can I get into grad school? Will I find a job? I really don't want to be a failure. But I don't even know where to begin with the things I need to do.
I miss my family. Sometimes I think I've taken them for granted. But at the same time, after an hour of being together I'm usually ready to bounce. I love them, but they drive me crazy and I'm glad we live an hour and a half apart.
My roommates are anal, cluttered, hypocritical, immature, and insensitive. They can make me feel all alone in a crowded house and never even realize that the things they've said hurt me. In return, I'm snippy and allow my temper to get the best of me. I can become rude and just as insensitive to the point of aggression. I hate that person I become.
My brother died when he was three. My family hasn't been the same since. That was 13 years ago. As a result, my remaining brother is one of the most spoiled people I've ever met. He's done things that make me ashamed to call him my brother. But he is my brother. And I won't allow anyone to trash talk him, not even my own grandmother.
I feel pressure from my family to succeed because I wasn't the trouble maker. I'm the one who went to school, got good grades, and was polite and quiet. I really don't want to disappoint everyone.
At 18, I didn't think anyone would ever love me. Boywise, of course. Then at 19 a boy broke my heart and I never wanted to love or be loved by someone again. Even three years later, he still makes chills run down my spine and I resent him for that. Fortunately, I don't see him all that often.
In high school, a curse word barely left my lips. Now I cuss like a sailor.
My mom almost went to jail and that was the scariest moment of my life.
I was kinda molested by this girl that lived next door to me when I was a little girl. But she was only two years older than me and at the time I thought it was just a game. I didn't understand the full meaning of her game.
I am introverted and if I don't get alone time, I become antsy. Sometimes, I don't feel like talking and when I get in that mood I will screen calls, ignore knocks on the door and even tune out conversations directed at me. Then I disappear for a day.
I don't like conflict and will avoid it if I can. I don't view this as "running away from my problems," but more of a taking time to think the situation over.
Fantasy is my strongest coping mechanism followed by denial. Then forgetfulness.
I really hope my great grandmother can see me get married. I want her at my wedding and would love it if she could even see my first child born.
I think I would be a hypocondriac if I sat back and allowed myself to be. But there isn't time for all that worrying.
For the most part I don't allow myself to worry because I don't need stress to ruin my health. I don't want wrinkles either. A positive attitude is the way to go.
When I go into rural areas, I have a country accent. The older I get, the more it comes out and the stranger my voice sounds to me.
I know what it is to be poor and to that extent I know what it is to be homeless and to go hungry.
Most people think I'm just this shy, quiet, timid girl. And that's true. But I undoubtably have a wild side and like to let loose.
The majority of my closest friends have been gay. My family, especially my homophobic dad, teases me about this relentlessly because they think I can't find a straight man. It hurst a lot that my dad doesn't accept my best friend for who he is. It hurts even more that he finds a sutble, "Chrsitain" way to point that out to me.
I haven't attended church in years because I simply don't agree with the things that go on once everyone walks out of that sanctuary. But I do believe in God. I also believe in spirits and have a tendency to be superstitious even though I know it's a little ridiculous.
I think my mom had an affair. But my dad also had a girlfriend while still married to my mom so I guess they are both at fault. Fives years ago those thigns mattered to me. Now I couldn't care less because I know my parents weren't meant to be together. I'm even looking forward to their remarriages. I just hope I like their new partners.
In high school, my dad was contacted by his long lost daughter and I felt like he forgot about me. I don't feel that way anymore, but the three years I've been in college I've maybe seen him only 10 times. I've spoken to him even less.
My relationship with my mom is the best it's even been. I think that's because we don't live together.
Even though I go on about being so independent and not being ready to settle down, I would get married tomorrow if I met the right guy tonight.
I burned a bridge with a close friend of mine because I felt like she was trying to pressure me into doing something I didn't want to do. I might have overreacted just a little bit, but at the same time she should have seen it coming. I've never hidden who I was from her and she simply pushed the wrong button. Now when I see her on the street I don't know if I want to cry at the loss of the friendship, or scalp her for being a stupid-ass bitch.
My nice world fell apart when I was 15 and my cousin spent a summer with my family. She's still plagueing my life. But she has the most adorable baby ever and I would steal her in a heartbeat.
I know I can be ruthless when it comes to my personal values. Well, more to emotions. I'm a slave to my feelings and will react in the heat of the moment if provoked. But usually I'm very calm and collected and bottle everything up. Until I explode, anyway...
Work exhausts me. But I can't afford not to work and my paycheck is gone before they even put it in my hand. Sometimes money makes me very nervous. But this is the only way not to take out more student loans.
I secretly like country music.
I'm so used to being quiet and carrying on conversations in my head, I sometimes start talking to people mid conersation and then remember they weren't actually part of that conversation.
I'm trying to learn not to be so quiet but I think it gets me into more trouble than anything. I don't understand why I'm so quit when everyone in my family is loud. So I surround myself with loud friends in hope that they will rub off on me. Then I get tired of being around people and disappear for a day again.
Strangers that read my diary know more about me than my close friends ever will.
I would follow my best friend (the one that abaondoned me and gave me the ultimatum) to Hell if he asked me to. Or at least to grad school. But even though we've been planning that for the past four years, I don't think he really wants me to. But I know he would tell me if he didn't want me around and when I aksed he said it doesn't bother him. But I think it does bother him and I can't decide what to do about it.
It makes me sad that the two of us can't have deep conversations anymore. If I start talking about my feelings, he tells me to stop being a female, to stop isolating myself, to stop feeling. I wonder if that's what he tells his precious boyfriend.
I just want to live a good life. How does one mange that?
scullerymaid at 11:44 p.m.