November 06, 2009
Regret
I dearly miss my best friend. I know I talk about it a lot. More like complain about it a lot...but it's what I'm feeling these days.
There's a part of me that's regretful. I should have known better than to love him. Countless times I've watched him push people away. But it would never happen to us. Ha! That was a fantasy. I wonder if he even cares. does he care that I'm not prevelent in his life anymore. Probably not and that, my friends, is our biggest problem. I don't have to see him everyday. I don't even have to talk to him everyday. I just want to know that he cares. That's all I want. His love. I watch how he acts when he sees other people. He never gets excited to see me. But maybe he's not supposed to. Maybe that's not in the best friend guidebook. But it would nice. It would be nice to feel like I matter. But I clearly don't. If I did, he would show some initiative in our deteriorated relationship.
It's not like I don't have other friends. I adore SB more than anything. And of course there are the twins. And a few others I enjoying spending my time with. But it's different with Popeguy. It always has been. The others I love. But i understand that friends come and go. I really do. But he made me believe that we would conquer the world together. And it actually seemed possible. Isn;t college where you make your life friends anyway? Maybe not.
All I know is that I love that stupid boy more than anything in this world. Even now, I hate him because I love him. I'm angry because I love him. But all he ever does it hurt me. It's all he's ever done. Hurt and betrayal have been the prizes for my love. But I stayed anyway. It didn't matter because we had such good times together. It was worth it. Then he just ditched me because he didn't know how to have aboyfriend and best friend at the same time. All I've ever done is support him and he just puts me down whenever he can.
And yet I would still stay. I know I would. And I know I shouldn't. But that's the truth of my life right now. I've lost my best friend and i want him back more than anything. But it seems our river has run its course and I'm left wondering why and how with hatred burning in my chest and a hole forming in my stomach.
scullerymaid at 12:25 a.m.