October 21, 2009
More than you're willing to admit to yourself
So...I met with the counselor lady again today. I was still a little nervous in the beginning, but after awhile, I feel like I got some insight about what's going on around me. I still don't better, but at least it's out there in the world now. And she did confirm that Popeguy and I do indeed have an unusual relationship. Like other people do, she compared it to a romantic relationship, which is probably why our transitioning friendship is so difficult for us. She said I need to talk to him, the way I talked to her, but I can't. When I talk to him, I'm so scared of pushing him even further away, I stumble over my words and nothing makes sense. Which is probably why he doesn't understand anything I try to tell him. Maybe one day I'll talk to him, but I don't see that day coming anytime soon. Oh, and my family is a big issue I've apparently been pushing away or neglecting to deal with. I need to confront a few things, but I don't want to do that either. It would be damn hard and there's be lots of crying. And I'm in no way much interested in trying to raise up dead horses. I don't see some of those things as very important, so I may just let them lie where they are. We'll see.
Maybe I'll write a memoir. Ha! That's a good one...
Overall, I was pleased with today's experience though. I did tear up at one point, but I didn't cry so it's all good. I don't know how many more times I will meet with her. As emotional as I feel, that one session just seemed to get it all out there. Everything I've been hiding and pushing back. It was good.
scullerymaid at 10:20 p.m.