January 26, 2009
I'm so tired of boys
Bofriends.
Sounds so harmless, doesn't it? What's wrong with a little boy action on the side, a little something-something to look forward to. To bring about that feeling like you're on top of the world.
I'll tell you what's wrong with it...the people that are left behind! Here I am once again all alone while everyone else has a buddy. A fellow to whatever they whatever with. And I'm sick of it. All boyfriends do is cause tension anyway. Artist's boyfriend was here Friday-Monday. Not exactly the nicest thing to come home to everyday of my school free weekend. And he was here last weekend. I pray he won't be here next weekend. It's just annoying, nice guy or not (which we aren't entirely sure about yet).
I don't know. I'm tired of being the one that's left behind. The one that has never had a boyfriend, the one that has to sit and listen to the amazing time everyone had, to the awesome feelings they are feeling. I try to be understanding, I really do. But after awhile it's just so old. Why should I care? Don't get me wrong. I love that everyone wants to share with me. And I want to know what's going on. But sometimes it just blows.
You know, I don't really want a boyfriend. At this age, they really are more trouble than they are worth. And I'm so busy. I don't need that kind of relationship taking up my time. But at the same time, it would be nice. To have someone like that there for you. To lean on and trust. To just relax with. To make you happy. But that's not going to happen. I'm not exactly girlfriend material. And I'm not a natural flirt. It just doesn't seem to work for me. Except that one time, but let's not go there tonight.
And I'm worried about Popeguy. You know, we have all these plans of living together and always being friends and going to California, but who am I kidding? That kind of friendship only lasts in movies and books. Do I really expect him to want me forever? Will I really want him forever for that matter? Yes, right now I can't imagine him not being in my life. But if and when we separate, I will not die. I won't break into a million pieces and lose all interest in life (though my heart might rip in half)
He tired to reason it out as he does everything, which is so so annoying. He said that I had Romania before he showed up and if she had come to school with me it would be the two of us on the town. That there would not have ever been a me and him. I'm not sure if I beieve in soulmates. Sometimes when I sit down and think about it, it sounds impossible. But I do believe sometimes you meet people in life that change you. And they change you so much you have to hold onto them for dear life because that's how important they are. That does not mean living their life and forgetting your own dreams. It just means being together in one way or another, true friends, living a good life.
No one else seems to understand this concept. There's probably just something wrong with me. Stupid ideas. Stupid theories. Stupid idealistic views. Stupid me.
scullerymaid at 10:06 p.m.