March 11, 2008
Petals and Feathers plus a little crazy talk
I still can't get him out of my head. I don't know why. The more I try to push him out, the tighter the thought stays.
I haven't talked to him in two or three weeks. I thought it would be best not to. But as you can see, my plan isn't really working. No one has ever taken me over like this before. No one! And I'm even sure if I'm all that boggled by the kid.
With my past crushes, I never saw them developing into anything. And they faded away because they weren't real. Now...I'm not saying it's real, but something won't let him fade away.
Oh, and he pisses me off so much! And I want to be angry. I know I should be angry with him, but I'm not. I can't stay mad at him. So I'm glad I didn't see him Saturday. All he would have to do is smile and I'd forget my task and banging him across the head.
But yeah, he does irk me. Why is he so afraid? From the beginning I told him I didn't see anything between us now. Maybe in the future. And he agreed. But he still pulled awayand then told me I was the one pulling away. He makes all these promises, and I know he won't keep them. He wants to be close. And in the future that closeness will turn into something more. Yet he doesn't make the time tobe close. But I'm the one pulling away from him. I don't talk to him. Which is half true, but he's still talking some crock! I hate how he makes it sound like I'm the only one. And he tells Popeguy (as if Popeguy isn't going to tellme!) that I like him and he can't give me what I need. Once again, what did I ask for? I just like to talk. I didn't ask for a relationship. And what about him? Does he not like me, too?
He's such a coward!
I hate how he can make me feel like this. I don't feel like myself. And I obviously have no control of my thoughts whatsoever.
And I hate that despite the things I've found out, he's still in my head. And I have terrible fantasies! I mean, it would be kind of perfect. Getting involved with Peace, who is now Popeguy's brother. They would be my two guys. And I wouldn't have to worry about ever leaving Popeguy, who is my number one love. And if Peace goes into the Peace Corps, it would be okay because I'd have Popeguy. But this is silly thinking and I can't believe it even popped into my mind. Do I really expect myself to be the little wife that stays home with the kids waiting for my man's return. I can't picture it as well as I can dream it.
But that oes scare me sometimes. The day that Popeguy and I will split ways. It seems very unlikely right now. After all, the boy is planing my life out for me. We're going to move to England and teach. I'm going to eventualy go to culinary school (I don't think I told him that) and still pursure Antrhpology and see what happens.
I don't know. So much rests on the furture. But who wants to always think about that? I dont mind living in the now
scullerymaid at 10:27 a.m.