December 16, 2007
Silly me...
You know what I don't understand? When people break up, why do they pack everything that was given to them by their previous other and give it back? Why? I don't see the reasoning in this. Yes, you're hurt. No, you don't want to be reminded of them everywhere you look. But some of those things were gifts and they hold memories. Sure, give back the sweatshirt or the toothbrush. A movie or book you borrowed. But keep the bear. Don't throw away the doodles. Treasure the photos. I find regret absolutely useless. Maybe a chapter has ended, but it was still an important chapter, despite the pain that might be felt momentarily. So stop with the box swap. Just stop.
A lot of break-ups have been happening around me lately. The first (why do we make up names? I can hardly remember them!) was between Peace and China. They went to high school with me and had been dating for maybe two years. I don't know. I'm not very close to them. They're really Popeguy's friends. In fact, he lives with Peace's family over the holidays. But anyway, they broke-up and China is devastated. And I really feel for her. Her heart has been ripped out and she had no idea it was coming. The thing that has been the main focus of her life is now gone, and though they are still friends, Peace has distanced himself as much as he can. "Freedom" he calls it.
Even though I feel for China, I understand Peace's reasoning. China isn't affectionate, yet clingy. And it's not her fault. It's the way she was raised. Strict Asian household. No one in her house is lovey-dovey. It's probably awkward for her to act that way. She's just kinda negative. But that's what Peace is all about. Touching, holding, whispering. So when he hugs and she's like "get away from me; I'm busy" what is he supposed to think? He said he knew it was coming so he already went through the grief of it and is ready to move on. Poor China feels like she's just been thrown aside like a used rag.
Relationships!
Despite the fact I've never been in a romantic relationship, I can relate to China (well, both really). At first I distance myself. I feel weird if someone touches me in the slightest way, I'm extremely quiet, and I don't really bother trying to get to know them better. When Popeguy and I first started having sleepovers, I was as stiff as a board, terrified to touch him. Then something changes in me. Now, I cuddle right up to him. Clinginess sets in and I'm consumed by a person. I am completely and utterly loyal to them, willing to bend over backwards if it means I'm helping them. Mom used to tell me that I've always been like this. I made friends, but there was always one best friend, and they were my life. Looking back, this is true, though I never realized it. Heck, in kindergarten I decided to go to public school for first grade because my best friend moved to Kansas. Or Kentucky. Now I can't remember, but that's besides the point. Then there was Filipino who I missed terribly when she switched schools, Romania (who I'm still very good friends with), Dancer, and now Popeguy.
Popeguy.
If you haven't guessed it yet, Popeguy is on my mind a lot. At first, I was scared it was because I was crushing on him. But it wasn't. I am not romantically attracted to him at all. Okay, if he was straight, I might consider it, but that's not how I think because he's not (Silly Frizzy for falling in love with a gay man). I don't know how to describe it, but I have this great love for him. Maybe as a brother. Maybe as a alma gemela. I don't know, but I can't imagine my life without him and I can barely remember my life without him. I don't even know when we became friends. I mean, I've known him all of high school, but there was no connection. Then BAM! He became m best friend. And I would follow him anywhere I think. He thought about going to California after we graduate, and my attitude is "Can we drive instead of fly? Maybe take a train?"
This can't be healthy. How can you think about one person all the time? And you aren't even thinking about marrying them! All the other best friends I've had, I never pictured myself with them forever. Except for Romania. We will always be friends. Bridesmaids and everything.
The only thing is I don't know if these friends that I love so much know that I would bend over for them. Which is good because I don't want to be clingy. I know what it's like to have a clingy friend. Frizzy is clingy and I avoid her like the plague. So I wonder if I ever come off as clingy in person. I hope not. Because I don't think clingy is the right word. It's just when I know I've got a good friend, I want to be there for them whenever they need me. I want to be desirable as a friends. I'm terrified of being left alone someday.
So, yeah. That's my problem. I am an insecure friend. It takes me forever to get to know someone, and then I'm scared they'll get bored of me. So I make myself available. I become nurturing and cook. Clean. Laugh and play. But inside, I'm scared. It's so ridiculous. Why do I think people are going to leave me? Everyone tells me how funny I am. How adorable. What a great friend. I'm resourceful and reliable. So why do I have these stupid insecurities? I don't understand that either.
And this has become a very interesting entry. I don't know how much of it is true or how much of it is just me being over critical of myself. They're probably just silly thoughts that consume my head. I asked Popeguy if he thought I was clingy. I compared myself to Frizzy and Brooklyn and he told me I'm crazy and need to shut up. So I'm fine. But it's good that I write all this craziness in here. Otherwise it would drive me mad.
I just need to accept myself for me, in all my people-pleasing, Sci-fi loving, song-singing, food-cooking, spanglish speaking ways! That's why other people love me.
scullerymaid at 7:36 p.m.