November 06, 2007
Oreo, how I love thee. How I miss thee.
So what do you do? What do you do when your world starts falling apart? I got another phone call today. Actually, there were two, one from Mom and one from Dad. Oreo died. For real this time. No doubt about it. Mom called me last night saying she wanted to have him put to sleep. That he was tin and weak and couldn't walk, wouldn't eat. And he died today. Or maybe last night. Whenever it hapened, he's gone now. I thought I'd been given a second chance. That I'd be able to see him again. Now I won't even be able to bury him.
I just... there's this emptiness inside me. It's been there for a long time, but Oreo was always there. He always snuggled up to me when I was sad. He slept with me. He comforted me when there was no one else for me to talk to. And now there is no one. It's easier to talk to animals. You get the stuff you need to off your chest without the whole world learning about it in a day. He guarded my secrets and eased my pain.
Now all I feel is pain and there's no one to share it with. Sure, I have friends. We talk about it during dinner and that's it. But the pain is still inside of me. It's not going to just evaporate over manicotti.
I don't know what to do. You'd think all my grief would be gone from the first time I thought he was dead, but I think it's even worse. My heart had to break twice.
Sometimes I feel so unstable. Like my world is spinning and no one else can see I'm losing control. And I wonder, am I that good? Can people really not see how much I hurt? Or am I that terrible? Can I just not share it with them.?
I never got to say goodbye.
scullerymaid at 10:36 p.m.