May 06, 2014
Can't remember to forget you
How do you stop loving someone? How do you let go and move on? These are the things I don�t understand. I can�t grasp the point of building a relationship only to let it crumble. Many of my relationships have crumbled over the last few years, and each one has taken a big chunk out of me. It�s a loss deeply felt, even if I�m the one that made the break. In all my close relationships, I am the nurturer. I�m the glue that keeps us together. For the most part, I�m pretty good at turning my cheek and looking the other way. There are many obstacles to break people apart. You have to choose to remain together. But even someone with this understanding can only be pushed so far before too many betrayals aren�t worth the upkeep. I can�t be expected to nurture a relationship with out the same being returned.
Except with TJ. He is the one I can�t let go. He is the one I can�t move on from. I don�t know how I became so utterly attracted to him, but I did and now it eats at me every day- to love someone and not be loved in return. You�d think such a disgrace would have me packing my bags. Lord knows he has broken my heart several times, left me feeling ashamed and betrayed numerous more. Yet where I would usually make that break and cut ties, with him I become ever more determined, more loyal, more true, more willing to do anything simply to enjoy the pleasure of his company. I now understand how love can make people crazy. It�s an irrational urge within me that I can�t quell. I never thought I�d be one to fall under such thralls, especially over a man such as TJ, but I have and the pain is so acute and sweet in my chest. If we ever we truly part, he will have to make the cut for I cannot. I�m committed beyond comprehension. I know it�s boarding pathetic, but I�m so weak for him. Even as I sit here thinking how ridiculous my words must sound, as I acknowledge the reasons why we aren�t together, as I understand that I should walk away, I know that I would never do it myself.
This past weekend didn�t help lesson my commitment either. We agreed to carpool to the cookout. I put on a cute dress and a jean jacket and my aviators and was resolved to be cool and indifferent. I didn�t laugh at jokes I would have usually found funny. My responses were short if not quip. He didn�t want me to care so I didn�t. At least I tried not to care anyway. It�s hard when your best friend and lover is sitting in the car right next to you, the one person you love above most. So inevitably I lightened up like he knew I would.
We arrived at the designated duplex and I immediately hopped out to mingle with all the strangers, fluttering about as he calls it. There weren�t that many people there by the time we showed up, but I charmed the host�s parents like a pair of bees. I�ve always been good with parents. TJ kept popping up beside me though I was trying to give him his space. I�m sure it was the dress. I brushed him off, but I was drinking and in a wonderfully delighted mood from all that mingling (the mom thought I was just lovely; gorgeous!), so my attempts came off too playful, too affectionate. Eventually the cookout moved indoors. The duplex was tiny with a miniature living room that opened up to a small kitchen to give the illusion of space. Given the limited seating, TJ and I stood together in the kitchen. We drank Coronas stuffed with limes and counted each other�s bottles to make sure the other was keeping up. The vibe between us was lighthearted and playful and fun. Some people thought we were together, and some people weren�t sure. I found myself questions why we weren�t always like this, why he insisted on ruining the beauty that could conspire between us.
Then he took me home since he had plans to skip on to another gathering. Before he left, he got out of the car and hugged me. He wrapped his arms around me and squeezed tight, which was both unexpected and out of character and only awakened a deep yearning within me. As I watched him drive away, my heart ached for things that were yet would never be. Part of me wondered if that was the end. I felt certain finality in my bones that put dread in my soul. I tried to shake the feeling by watching TV. But I was drunk and tired and lovesick so crawled up the stairs to bed just before midnight. A fitful sleep claimed me for the next few hours until I was forced to get up and relieve myself. When I plopped back in bed, my thoughts were consumed by TJ. I pined for him, feeling abandoned and hurt and wondering if I would ever outlive such feelings.
But then he called me. He called me at 4 in the morning to see if he could come over, something he has never done in the three years that I�ve known him. I couldn�t do anything except say yes. I turned on the lights and threw open the door and he came roaring down the street, drunker than drunk. He walked through my door and locked it behind him, but really he was just locking himself more securely in my heart. He kicked off his flip flops, slurring his words about how stupid his friends were. Apparently the second party has been some redneck affair. I couldn�t help but laugh as he unbuttoned his black shirt and motioned for me to kill the lights as he stumbled up the stairs. I guess he was staying the night. I wished he would come stay with me every night.
Upstairs, he disrobed down to his boxers then climbed into my bed, and I sat down next to him. Words were exchanged, drunk and tipsy words I can no longer recall, though I�m sure I asked what he was doing, why he was there, doing things with me he swore he no longer wanted to do. If I seemed defiant, really I could not have been more content. Fire shot through my veins the moment I read his name on my caller ID and now it simmered down to places sacred. I pulled away for a spell to prove my distaste at his back and forth manner, but then he wrapped himself around me, entwining our arms and legs together until they were too tangled to pull apart. He whispered things in my ear, brushing my face and neck with his kisses as he caressed my body and we both knew I was his.
A little later once the morning birds started chirping, I would wake to find his head nestled in my bosom and his legs folded between mine again. When I shifted around, he would say things that I always long to hear and grab at me, once again shooting fire through my pulse. I would find myself praying I could hold onto such a moment forever. Just stay frozen in time so that we could always be as we were right then and there. TJ has never been an affectionate person, so for him to hold me all night made me wish for something that wasn�t real.
We spent the whole of Sunday together, much like we usually do, falling into old routines. We ate and watched TV and did laundry and ate again and finished the night with a movie. Except he let me take him on the couch without a hint of hesitation and kissed me like he never does. And here I am two days later so hot for him I�m like to melt, so full of love I�m like to burst, so confused I�m like to explode, and so sad I�m like to die. I know I should let go, but the memories of him are so vivid inside of me that I can�t. How�s that song go? I can�t remember to forget him.
scullerymaid at 5:51 p.m.