April 23, 2014
Thoughts and rambles
Oh diary, life is ever changing and yet it is ever the same. It's going to be time to move again soon. Not as soon as I may be exaggerating. In fact, my lease won't be up until December, but for someone that moves constantly, eight months is really just a blink. I don't know where I"m going to live. I love love love my townhouse, but it's just too expensive on my own and come December I'll be out of roommates...which is actually quite fine by me. Minus the expense, of course. If I can't live in my townhouse, I at least want to stay in the area but a lot of the nearby apartments are rather sketch. So who knows where I'll be. I hate moving.
Today TJ started acting weird again as he tends to do. Too much time together. We did the whole Easter thing and he was so sweet and so kind and for once quite generous. Which means I should have known he was going to start pulling away again. That's what he does isn't it? Give and take, give and take, pull and tug. I wonder why these things are such a big deal to him. Why it's so hard for him to feel anything without turning it into some kind of thing. He's been playing a lot of COD lately. Prime example of an escape mechanism. Instead of pulling and tugging, I wish he would just be open with me. If we see each other too much, is it really that hard to ask for some space? Instead he waits until he's overwhelmed by my presence. Then he says some words, which to any other person probably sounds properly reasonable, but I've always been a senstive soul and now I'm left brooding over something that is nothing.
I wonder what it will be like when I move on to someone new. I wonder what kind of man I'll meet when all this is done. I hope he's kind. Wholesome is the word that keeps popping to mind. All I want is a nice wholesome man. But all the guys I date just aren't that. They're either pushy or needy or distant or gross. I want to go on a real date. I want to be picked up from my door. I want to have a nice dinner or adventure. I want something sincere. That's the problem. It's so hard to meet sincere people and I just don't have the energy to deal with people that have agendas.
Sometimes I do wonder how it is TJ and I have managed to cling together this long. One leaves, the other comes back. The other leaves, one follows. It's an endless cycles that I refuse to cut. As cliche as it sounds, things are always so complicated. I wonder what it's like for things to just be. For simplicity to reign. To be loved in return.
I haven't spoken to Popeguy since Seattle. But that's normal I guess. He never was one to keep me informed about his life. I always nourished the relationship. I'm so tired of being the nurturer wherever I go, which is probably why I don't mind playing the bad guy and cutting my friends left and right. I can't take the inequality. So I drive the wedge in. I let them put all the blame on me. And we all go about as if we were strangers. It's a painful process, but it's less painful than going on pretending, than giving without receiving anything in return.
Maybe I will move to Richmond in a year or two. I'm not a fan of the idea which is why I haven't done it, but I miss SB sorely. Snortgiggles, too. I never had to nurture those relationships. They just fell into place. Evne when Snortgiggles and I didn't talk for those few months, it was so easy to come back together. That's just the kind of thing that happens when you put too strong personalities together, especially when pride is thrown in.
I really like this area, I do I do I do. I like being near the water. But I wasn't meant to settle here and the faster I plant that in my head the better. I wonder how hard it would be to find a job in Richmond. But if I ever do it, that'll be another couple years. For now I'm going to keep going to the gym and search out things that make me happy.
I've had far too much Easter candy.
scullerymaid at 11:33 a.m.