May 03, 2014
Hornets in my belly
I swear, every time I feel that I am finally approaching financial stability, something else blows up. Of course, going to Seattle didn't help either. I'm still recovery from that. So today I've decided to get out of debt for good. My plan is a little unconventional, but I added up my budget and even as tight as things are there is no reason why I can't be debt free in six months. No reason! So I'm going to do it and pray to God this plan of mine doesn't backfire. Because if it does I'll be in even worse debt. But despite my struggles, I've always had a mind to watch my money so I'm confident I can continue being mindful. If I want my own house one day, or even to afford a nicer apartment once it's time to move from here, I need to get out of debt now.
It'll help that TJ and I are on the quits. It's expensive being with him because we always eat out. I don't even want to calculate how much money I waste of dining out on top of grocery shopping every month. Well, no more!
There are bees buzzing around in the pit of my stomach today. We're going to a mutal friend's cookout later and for the sake of convenience have agreed to car pool together. I think I might be sick. It's ridiculous how only two weeks ago he was my best friend and now he's just the guy that kept stringing me a long, a stranger whom I loved that wants nothing to do with me. I wish that after all this time I had been strong enough to make the break. But there was a part of me that needed him to do it. I needed him to finally say it aloud for my ears to comprehend. And now that it's out there I can't run any more.
The truth is I tried to run from my broken heart. I�ve been avoiding it for years, finding all sorts of distractions. I felt it cracking so put on my sneakers and took off. But the heart doesn�t work that way. You can�t put it off forever. Eventually you get complacent and forget why you were running in the first place. That�s when it�ll sneak back up on you. It�ll catch you right between the ribs like a knife and when those cracks finally break, it will be so great you swear you�ll crumple up and die; you�ll beg for it even. You can�t run. You can hide. The heart demands blood for your sacrifice.
So hear I am, my heart finally in the final slumps of what was TJ. I'm pretty sure this time the cut was final, and even if he tries to call on me like he always eventually does, I'm really hoping that this time I ignore it and just move on. It's a hard thing to do when you love someone so dearly. And I love him while acknowleging that we were never meant to be. I valued his friendship more than I ever valued him as a lover, but both relationships are done now. I want to move on as graciously as possible.
We share the same ciricles so we'll see how it goes. I don't want to be excluded or ostrasize myself from the group, but I have a feeling he's going to push me out. That just makes me all the more sad.
I really want to be angry. I try to be. I bring up all his transgressions, the secrets, the coolness, the drama. But in the end I just grow more and more sad.
I know I'll survive. I survived the cracks so I'll survive the break. I spend a lot of time with Janet and that helps. We go to the gym regularly, as well as have the occasional dinner. She's also the one that does kayaking and paddleboarding with me. Summer is around the corner so I'm sure we'll pick those things up.
I've also started dating. Well, not quite but I've made it known I'm as single as a dollar bill. I've had a couple prospects, but the truth is the idea of actually going out with these guys makes me feel guilty. I guess that's the difference with a cracked heart and a broken heart. When my heart first cracked, dating was a godsend. It made me feel attractive and desired and put me on a high at times. Now I feel like I'm cheating. I know I can't cheat on someone that I'm not with and who doesn't want to be with me. Perhaps I really just feel like I'm cheating on myself. I don't think dating is going to be a good enough distraction this time. I guess we'll see what happens with that.
But in the meantime, I'm going to continue going to the gym and work my way out of debt. Get healthy and save money!
I really am proud of my gym progress. Janet and I have been going at least three times a week for a little over a month now. I haven't noticed much of a difference on the scale or in my clothes, but I can go hard on the elyptical for 45 minutes and on day one I was struggling with a light 10 minutes. Now I just need to work on my eating habits. I'm going to be healthy. Before I was never committed to it. But now I'm ready.
Speaking of which, I did my first 5k last weekend! Color Me Rad. It was so much FUN! We didn't do a lot of running because the impact hurts Janet's back, but it was an awesome experience and we're going to do the Electric Run next.
See? I can move on. I can do fun things that TJ would never in a million years agree to. I hope the next guy I seriously dates is an extrovert. Nothing against introverts; I'm one myself. But I really want to date someone that is outgoing and likes DOING things. I love TJ and I love all the time we spend together, but watching him play video games is boring. He should have taught me how to play.
I'm stil dreading seeing him today but the more I write the better I feel. I'm not going to let him ruin a good time. And who knows. Maybe this will be the last time I see him. Maybe that's why I feel so sick. The finality of it all. I should find a new circle of friends. I don't care for half of his friends anyway. It's all just habit. The other half I can still see without him.
scullerymaid at 11:09 a.m.