September 13, 2013
Moth balls?
Sometimes I wonder if the reason I can't find a place to settle down at is because I loved living with TJ so much. And it wasn't necessarily the fact that he was my boyfriend/roommate, but because I just love his house so much. I really do. It's small and charming and has a huge yard and I loved it from the first time I ever entered it and it broke my heart more to leave that home than to leave TJ. Even now, I spend a lot of time in that house. That was my home and I wish so much he would just let me rent the upstairs from him. He won't, but I wish wish wish he would until I'm ready to move back to Richmond or wherever I end up in this life.
I don't like my current house all that much. Well, it's not that I don't like it, but more to the point that it's old and run down and smells. I'm not sure what the smell is. Maybe that's what old houses smell like, but it has permeated my clothes and now every time I walk out the door and go to work I'm very aware of the fact that I too stink. And of course there is the roommate situation.
I love the idea of living in a house, but I miss my apartment. I like the idea of living with roommates, but I hate living with a couple and a kid (which wasn't part of the deal). I just wish I could find another charming house like TJ's to live in, a place where I feel at home and not like a guest. And of course, a place that I can afford. Sometimes I can't comprehend how other people afford to live on their own.
Sometimes I wonder if there's just something wrong with me. Maybe I'm being too picky. Maybe I can afford more than I admit but am being too greedy with my money. I just don't know how other people afford life.
I know I keep looking for changes to find contentment, but it keeps escaping me. I know I'm making the wrong choices, but part of me just isn't ready to make the right ones. I'm not ready to go to Richmond. I'm not ready to look for a new job. I'm not ready for a dog as much as I want one. So that leaves me here feeling stuck, jumping from home to home looking for something I'm not going to find.
I was very excited to move into this house. The first week was pretty decent, even after the cookout fiasco with the ex-girldfriend. But now, I hate that I just coop myself up in my room because I feel like I'm intruding on their pretend family.
So what to do? Right now, I think I'm going to start getting rid of a lot of my stuff. Clothes, movies, books, I don't need all the things I have. That's what amazon and Hulu is for, right? And I don't wear half my clothes. And I don't cook all that mcuh, so all that can go to. I want to strip myself down to the bare minimum. At least then it would be easier to move from place to place it that's my destiny.
scullerymaid at 10:50 a.m.