September 16, 2013
Comfort in conversations
It's the little moments that I relish and miss. The phone calls to talk about our day, to talk about the weather, to talk about how to make the tv come in clearer and the best way to fight kitty allergies. Those phone calls kill me because I'm pretty sure those little conversations are what keep me hanging on to a thing that is not meant to be.
I'm not in love with TJ if love is indeed a thing that can be broken down into categories. I don't want to marry him. I don't want him to give me babies. But I do love him and I'm beginning to think maybe a piece of my heart will always have his name on it. The truth is I enjoy spending the majority of my time with him. I like sharing my day with him. My favorite place in the world to sleep is in his room in his bed with him next to me. I'm not talking sex. I'm talking about the comfort of sleeping with someone. I've always been one to enjoy the company of another in my bed whether friend or lover, and he is one of my favorite people to share that with.
But to love TJ is lonely business. When we were together, I was always lonely. We were always together and yet we were never together. There was a disconnect somewhere. I gave and gave and gave of myself. I made sacrifices, opened my heart. He was very good at wining and dining, but he never gave any of himself up. He didn't sacrifice. He didn't compromise. He didn't love. He kept the part of him that I wanted to himself and it left me feeling cold and beaten.
Now that we aren't together, I feel just as lonely. But it's a different kind of loneliness. The sadness I feel now I believe is due to a lack of community. So I'm drawn to him because he is the closest thing to a best friend I have here. As terrible as it is, he's the most reliable person I have here. If I need something, I know I can call him. But that also means that the love I feel for him saturates my heart more and more everyday. This doesn't mean I want to date him, but it does mean that when I make plans I want him to be part of them. But he can be cold. And sometimes my heart doesn't know how to react. So with him I'm sad and without him I'm sad. I'm not sure I would call it a lose lose, but it certainly isn't a win. But at least he provides an escape from this place. At least I can leave my anxiety here in this house with these people and spend a few nights a week feeling content.
It's really too bad he won't just agree to be my roommate. Sometimes I think the only reason I'm sad is because I can't find a place to call home...and his house was the homiest place I've known in a decade. Losing my home hurt worse than losing him as a boyfriend.
But I do love our little phone calls. They bring me comfort and comfort is something I seem to lack lately.
scullerymaid at 10:02 p.m.