November 04, 2012
A lot of rambles
I know I've said it before -probably multiple times too!- but I'll say it again. I hate that so much of my entries revolve around TJ. It's every single entry, is it not? For over a year and a half. TJ this, TJ that. Today he's nice, today he's cruel. My heart is breaking, my heart is joyful yada yada yada. It's extremely exhausting, but I hate telling my friends the same stories over and over again so I'd rather just fill up my rants here. Soon enough they won't involve TJ at all, will they?
That thought makes me sad and I've been thinking it a lot here lately. Soon, TJ won't be part of my life. This man that I love and spend everyday with will just be gone. Well, I'll be gone from his life anyway. When I move there honestly won't be any traces left of me. Maybe two pictures. An email address. A phone number. I kept all the memories between us. I'm the one who took photos and posted them all over the internet for all to see our love. The love that never existed. He has exactly three photos of me. I can remember every time that he decided to take one. Three photos of me, no photos of us. I probably have hundred of photos of him on my phone and computer. So as he moves on and forgets me so easily, I'll be surrounded by him. Missing him.
It's a terrible thing to believe that someone that's been such a big part of your life will forget you. Has no desire to remember you. I'm sure these thoughts of mine are mostly just the thoughts of a heartbroken ex-girlfriend, but that doesn't make the thoughts hurt any less even if they are slightly exaggerated. Maybe he'll miss me when he needs someone to crack his back or cut his grass or keep him warm when he's cold. But he'll replace me fast enough so no, I don't think he'll miss me. It's also a terrible thing to believe that you'll be so easily replaced. Did all this time together really mean nothing to you?
Is that the source of my grief? The fact that none of these has ever meant anything to you and it's meant everything to me? Maybe. Honestly, I don't know why I'm so sad. People have come and gone out of my life several times. Some of them good friends, too. So why does this person warrant so many of my tears? He doesn't deserve them. Perhaps there was a time when his feelings seemed true and perhaps there are moments when he is so kind I want to forget that we were not meant for eternity, but otherwise he is just a man that takes his frustrations out on me. That pulls me close then thrusts me away.
TJ has a friend named Frank. I've always been fond of Frank. He has a good heart and is a good friend. He always means well. Last night he told me that I shouldn't be sad. You see, he found me on the porch. I wasn't crying, just thinking, but once he sat down and wrapped his arm around me, the tears started falling. So he told me not to be sad, to forget about TJ and to be happy. He told me that I'm a pretty girl, a great friend, and TJ is an idiot for not realizing what he's losing. My friends tell me this all the time, but it's really nice to hear it from one of his friends. It still drives me crazy that everyone loves me except for him. I think it makes me scared that this is how all my love affairs are going to end. That I'm going to fall in love and the fella's friends and family are going to love me sorely, but my beloved will not hold me as his beloved. Isn't that the way of it?
Am I a bore? Am I not pretty enough or am I too chubby? Is my family too dysfunctional and broken? As silly as it is, I just wish I knew where he made the disconnect. I wish more guys out there were like Frank, a man who knows what he wants, puts his heart out there, and doesn't beat around the bush or lead people on.
I can't wait to find that guy one day. Hopefully next time I won't allow myself to be strung along. And I pray I can get into an apartment!
scullerymaid at 9:31 p.m.