October 31, 2012
Drive away
Tonight I was really mean to TJ and now I'm riddled with guilt over the whole thing.
The night started out great. We decided to get dinner and drinks and it was really nice. He was sweet. I was sweet. It was just such a nice night. But then he started texting this girl, this girl I can't stand and for all the right reasons. So I make a comment about it and he gets all icy and before you know it I'm tossing everything I got at him. All the wrongs I've felt. The way he plays with my feelings. How he is my best friend one day and a stranger the next. How he doesn't understand why I get upset over this stupid cunt.
But of course everything is always somehow my fault. So he tells me how immature I am, how I have no reason to be upset, how I cry so easily. How he doesn't give a fuck if he hurts my feelings because he has nothing to lose. And then he leaves. And I'm left here feeling terrible because I'm the one that does care. I'm the one that has always cared and I feel so petty for starting the fight...but why can't he see how much he hurts me? There's no reason to be so mean.
Come on! Monday I was all set for hating him and he's the one that cuddles back up with me. He's the one that always comes back when I'm angry.
I just don't understand what I did to make him hate me so much. Oh, but he only hates me when I'm telling him the truth right to his face. Or when I'm too affectionate. But as long as everything is on his terms it's all good.
I know I'm the one that did the breaking, but I'm still paranoid about where he went. To go mess around on me again? But I broke up with him so I don't even know why I care.
I just wish I never loved him. I wish I didn't love him. I wish he would've broken things off with me back when I didn't care. I just don't understand. If he's never cared why do all this? Does he get some kind of enjoyment out of my suffering?
I have many wishes. Most of all I wish I wasn't so sad.
scullerymaid at 10:44 p.m.