December 16, 2013
Parties and Penses
What a whirlwind weekend! I'm so glad I took today off, because I definitely needed the rest. It all began Friday night. I was invited to a Christmas party, and true to nature I did not want to go. But one way or another I somehow finaggled a ride from Janet. I didn't expect her to stay long, so agreed to go. I always forget how nice it is to leave the house and mingle. I especially enjoy Janet's company. The party wasn't quite what I expected. There was lots of food and lots of booze and a number of people, but they weren't drunk falling all over each other. I guess this was an "adult" Christmas party. At least, it started out that way. It wasn't long before naked pictures of someone's ex were sent to someone girlfriend and brother or some such nonsense like that. I didn't care and ignored it all. I drank rum. Lots of rum. And I danced. Lots of dancing. Tj was texting me the whole time, which made me giddy. To my surprise he showed up and I was excited to see him, but to my dismay he spent the entire night talking to other people and all but ignoring me. That could've been my rum goggles making me see/feel things that weren't really there. Guess I'll never know.
But I did run into Noah. Oh, Noah. He has to be older than me, though I couldn't tell you by how much, but his temples are going grey and their are little lines around his eyes. Oh, those dark, passionate eyes filled with all kinds of mischief. The first time I met Noah was a year ago at his friend Ben's apartment. Bobby had invited TJ and I to go over with him to do a power hour. I don't much care for beer, but I stuck it out with the best of them. I remember immediately being attracted to Noah, though he's a little huskier than I prefer, broadly built with massive shoulders. But he's charismatic, a jokester, and I enjoyed having met him. Of course, it meant nothing. He was in the middle of a very unstable relationship and TJ and I were counting down the days when I'd be moving out.
Fast forward a year and there Noah was standing across the kitchen from me. He still had the unstable relationship and I was still known to be with TJ, but the way he looked at me was different from any past encounters. His eyes were absolutely devouring. I'm sure the fact that I was on display helped gain his interest, but I found it both unnerving and exhilarating to feel wanted by someone. Throughout the night we exchanged small flirtations, and if it had been a different crowd and he hadn't had a girlfriend, not to mention the complicated mess between TJ and I, I would have taken him right there. But alas, different time, different place. It's still nice to affirm that I'm indeed attractive from time to time.
The next day I picked up TJ so we could get ready for my own Christmas/House warming party. We decorated and we cooked and we bickered and we went shopping. Everything was off to a late start, but most of our guests were late anyway. It turned out better than I had hoped. Tj's mom and Janet helped me decorate the tree, then later we all played Cards Against Humanity til the wee hours of the morning.
Also, mid-party I left to pick up Popeguy from the airport. I can't believe it's been a whole year since I've seen him. It was nice to reconnect. And of course, he became the life of my party. I don't think anyone left until 3, and I really hope my new neighbors didn't mind. Of course, Alan stayed with me for the night, as did TJ and his brother Thomas. As silly as it is, I really wanted to sleep with TJ since I've become so accustomed to it, but Popeguy trumps ex-boyfriend so I sent him upstairs to my room and made a pallet for Thomas and TJ on the couch. Feeling a little frisky, though, I coerced TJ into the kitchen, closed the front doors, and christened my new apartment. It was a good end to a good night.
Ha, I remember when TJ and I first met and slept together. I was not impressed. Throughout a good portion of our relationship, it was not the bedroom business that kept me around. And now? Knowing that one day we really will fizzle out and stop being physical together saddens me. I guess I'm so comfortable with him, so used to knowing what kind of reaction I'll get when I place my hand there or touch my lips here, it was almost disastrous to sleep around over the summer. Someone was too rough. Another one not rough enough. And another made weird grunting sounds that made me feel like a trashy novel, and not the good kind. So no more of that for a while. I enjoy what I have with TJ, at least on a physical level, and will stay true to it until there's no more point in doing so.
Confession: I don't sleep with every person I agree to go out with (some of them I can't wait to flee from), but all my sexual encounters have been on the first date. Every. Last. One. I'm not going to throw out any numbers there, but let's just say I'm notorious among my close group for first dates. Sometimes I wonder if a part of me clings to my sexual relationship with TJ because I don't want to be that girl again...and I have no doubt that if I were truly single and let go of my feelings for TJ that I'd revert back to my old ways. So the question is, do I hold on to TJ because I truly love him as I claim, or is it a defense mechanism developed to protect me from myself? I know that I love TJ with all my heart. Why else would I stay as long as I have? In the past, it was easy for me to let go of lovers. Sure, some of them left a longer lasting mark than others, but I still let go and moved on. But with TJ, I can't seem to move on. It's ridiculous. So I must love him more than I can understand, and yet I'm left wondering if my love isn't love but something selfish manifested from past experiences not to be repeated...
Anyway, I took Popeguy to Newport News Sunday afternoon and we walked around a bit just chatting. Debating. Trying to unravel the mysteries of the universe. We met old friends and marveled at the changes that have taken place in only two years. Then I made the drive back to Norfolk and spent the evening with TJ.
I suppose I should go home. But all this will probably be lost to me soon, maybe after all the holidays. I hate to give him up, but I know I can't keep him forever and I think we've all known that for quite some time, haven't we?
scullerymaid at 9:05 p.m.