September 19, 2012
Of boys and men
Recently, for one reason or another, I've been thinking about some of the guys I've dated. I've been thinking about some of them so often, I'm not even sure if I've written about it or not already, so I'll just go ahead and do it (again) anyway.
I was a late bloomer. Between being on the heavier side and being super shy, in high school I didn't have the confidence to talk to guys romantically. I was the best friend. I was the advice giver. I was the laid back hangout buddy. I was never the girlfriend and though in some cases I would've liked to be more than friends, for the most part I was okay just being the friend. Looking back, I can't even imagine dating back in high school. I like the relationships that I developed and I think dating would've come between all that. Though one wonders if it would make loving at my current age a little easier. Experience, huh?
Then in college I slowly started losing weight. I supposed it was all the walking around campus from one class to the next and there wasn't much time for snacking, not that I've ever been huge on snacking. My problem was always portion control. That first winter break, Popeguy and I were recruited to help a mutual friend, Peace, house sit. I fell in love. Well, I fell in puppy love. Peace was just so affectionate, I couldn't help but fall for his charms. He was the first guy that wasn't older or creepy to show any interest in me. Our "fling" was pretty innocent and ended in February. I have lots of opinions about that, but I'm mostly glad nothing panned out. He's a serial dater anyway. And now doesn't return my messages. I like to think it's because I'm the one that got away. I mean, seriously. We've always had a decent friendship after the whole winter-break affair and now suddenly he moves to my city and won't have lunch with me. But that's neither here nor there. I just wanted to explain my first boy encounter to those that haven't been following for the past seven years.
I was 19 when all that happened and decided I was done with all that nonsense for awhile. I was enjoying college with my good friends anyway and they all had enough relationship problems to last me a lifetime. No wonder I bloomed so late! Let's skip ahead to 21. That's when I met Venezuela. I don't know what I was thinking with him. He was moody, grumpy, and short, though it was his attitude that eventually turned me off, not his height.
I'll admit that he was my first "real" kiss. Okay, he was my first real kiss from a guy. We're not going to count all those times that we used to play around in elementary school, because in that case a redhead named Joey stole my first kiss. And if we're talking super young love, a boy named Donald stole my heart. He was the most beautiful boy I've ever seen with golden skin and turquoise eyes and if I could remember his last name I would look him up on Facebook. He was my best friend for a summer before moving away. As an 11 year old, I was heartbroken.
But back to Venezuela. He was my first "adult" kiss from a boy, though Math has the honor of truly being my first kiss. I've kissed her several times since (her boyfriend thinks we're secret lesbian lovers and I'm okay with that). I didn't like kissing Venezuela at all and that made me realize I didn't really like him all that much. For one thing, I felt like my face was being attacked by a slobbering dog. Being an older guy, I felt like he should've had more honed skills. Also, it took him a good three months to finally kiss me after texting me every. single. day. He was a loser and I handed him off to Artist (with whom I was very disappointed with for dating him in the first place after I did- what happened to the girl handbook?!)
By this point I was no longer heavy. I was chubby for sure, but I had come into my own and lost the shyness (though I've always been on the quiet side). At 21, I was fed up with the kinds of guys I was meeting and decided to try online dating after my mom created me an account. Thanks mom. She obviously was growing impatient about not having any grandchildren. Anyway, that's how I met Zach.
Before I get into Zach, I need to mention a few other people. My friends and I were hanging out with a bunch of Navy guys. Remember Jeremy? He was one of them. But I wasn't interested. He'd been with Snortgiggles and I don't believe in sharing. Plus, I was more interested in this Sailor named Drake who to this day was the best kiss I've ever had. He almost got my V-card and I only stopped because there was a wager on my virginity and I wasn't going to let any of those fuckers win. Sometimes it amazes me how I went from an overweight teenager to a confident, desirable woman in a matter of three years. There was one more guy that used to fight over me, but I can no longer remember his name. Something about him always intimidated me, though that didn't stop me from letting him nibble on my neck once. I'm weak when it comes to my neck. I mostly used Jeremy as my protector from all these Navy boys. Jeremy loved me and we became good friends. But I refused to be with him out of respect for Snortgiggles. Plus, I swear he was as dumb as a rock and he drove me crazy. Once I did let him kiss me to prove that there was nothing between us. He is the second best kisser I've met and I'll admit that that kiss has made an appearance in quite a few of my dreams. But then he was stationed in California and fortunately we all stopped hanging out with dirty Navy guys and started hanging out with Naughty Coast Guards.
I loved the Coast Guards. They were fun and treated us more like buddies than eye candy. That's not to say a few of them didn't score on several occasions. I fancied this guy named Dan, who next to Donald was the second most beautiful boy I've ever seen. For that reason, I stayed clear of him, choosing friendship over a one night stand, and kissed my way through a few of the other guys. Ironically, a guy named Donald was the first guy to get his fingers past my panties.
But with the military comes deployment and those days were short lived. That's where Zach and online dating came in. Oh Zach, what an interesting ride we have had. The firs time I game him my number was Christmas Eve and we stayed up talking until six in the morning. It was pure magic. Then he took me out for New Years. We went to Buffalo Wild Wings and I was a nervous wreck so I laughed it off and apologized for being awkward. He was nervous, too, so we just laughed at each other whenever the awkwardness started to creep in. Then we went to his place and he liquored me up with vodka and Mountain Dew and I proved to him how lousy I was at Mario Kart, drunk or sober. Eventually, we curled up to watch some stupid horror movie. I remember it as if it happened yesterday. He was absently playing with the hem of my skirt. Sometimes guys move too slowly, so I took his hand and placed it on my bare thigh and told him skin is better. well, my friends, that's all it took because he flipped me over and kissed me. It was so exhilarating the way he just man handled me. I mean, the dude was a giant. He was 6'3" and is one of the few guys that could throw me across the room. That night, our very first date, I gave him the keys to the kingdom. I had turned 22 the previous night, making me the second to last of all my friends to lose my virginity. I didn't mind all that much. I didn't tell him I was a virgin either. Everyone made such a big deal about it, I decided to just skip the whole conversation and see if he noticed. He didn't, and I was finally off of everyone's hit list. Sometimes it bothers me the way it happened. Not that it happened with Zach. I'm glad he was the one. It bothers me that so many people tried to get it which ultimately led me to just get it over with. But it was a learning experience and it doesn't bother me now the way it used to.
After that, Zach and I saw each other most weekends until May when I met TJ. We were never anything official and I was newly inducted into the world of sex, so I dated other people, too. During my many conquests, I met Jordan, who we like to refer to as the biggest fucker of my life. We dated off and on for a month or so before breaking it off. Then he randomly called me and we went to dinner. It was a beautiful dinner at a Greek restaurant and he seriously under-tipped the waitress. I should've known then he was still trouble. After all, he asked me to be his girlfriend and then broke up with me the next day. He even deleted my phone number right in front of me and I wanted nothing more than to slap him silly. I haven't seen him since and have no desire to ever see him again. Mostly, I like to laugh as how ridiculous he is. Jordan was neither the best nor the worst kisser in my life, but he was indeed my favorite make-out buddy. I really miss making out with him. Sometimes I wish we could've remained make-out buddies and nothing more. He had a goofy smile I liked too, but his ideas were pretty close minded. I'm glad things never worked out.
I was still seeing Zach when TJ started talking to me. I wasn't all that interested in TJ, but Zach was being deployed (Air Force) in June so I figured May was as good a time as any to stop seeing him. It wasn't that big of a deal. We slept together, but weren't dating. At the time, I felt like our relationship was very superficial and pleasure based. TJ, on the other hand, invited me to hang out and meet his friends and meet his family. I was tired of sleeping around with all these guys and not having anything on a more serious level. TJ seemed to offer that. I'd had my fun. I figured I could have a nice summer fling with TJ and then move to Richmond with SB.
TJ. I never know what to think about TJ. Our whole relationship has been confusing. He's always back and forth. I won't go into detail because you all know all about TJ by this point. TJ is the first guy I've actually loved and didn't just have playful feelings for (though I'm not sure how I ever felt about Zach). But sometimes I think he's even worse than Jordan. I mean, Jordan didn't ask me to move in and then realize that he has no feelings for me. TJ is also a passive control freak. He holds the reins of every aspect of our relationship because he doesn't care and I do care. It pains me to think that I will leave TJ one day because I would've stayed with him forever, but TJ isn't mature enough to be in a serious partnership. He doesn't completely grasp the concept of give-and-take and he surly does not know how to commit to someone. I've never said this here before, but not that long ago I found out that he slept with someone else while we were seeing each other. When i was first told of this, I didn't care because I thought it was when we first started dating. After all, I saw Zach one more time after TJ and I started hanging out and I let a bouncer at a bar make-out with me, which involved his fingers wandering to places they didn't belong. But no, he did this a few months before he asked me to move in. If I had known at the time, I would've cut him out of my life. But I didn't find out until months after we had settled in together. So I gave him a good piece of my mind and now know that I would never stay with someone like that for the rest of my life. But it's okay. I intellectualized it. After all, he didn't even ask me to be his girlfriend until December and this happened way before that. So technically, we weren't dating exclusively. I was angry, but am not anymore. Besides, TJ can't last more that 60 seconds so I'm sure it didn't last that long anyway.
I really do miss sex with Zach. He had great stamina. I would leave his apartment with my thighs burning it was such a great workout. Tj has never made my thighs burn. And after he goes once, he's done for the day. Not just the hour, but the entire day! So if we have sex in the morning, it's not happening later that night. He doesn't like getting naked either and he at least has a nice body, even if he's super skinny. It really sucks. I'm not saying sex with TJ is bad. If it was, I don't think I would've kept coming back. And I love his penis best of all so far. But he doesn't try to improve himself. He complains about how he needs to last longer, but he doesn't even try. I mean, practice some self control. I've concluded this is because he's a selfish lover. It wouldn't surprise me if he blames me for our plain sex life, but if he only knew the things that I could do...after all, I am the more experienced lover. But you can't work with someone that doesn't want to learn.
I feel like I'm bashing TJ a little bit, but I'm not. I really do love him and don't regret our time together, but he needs to work on a few things in the bedroom and out. I pity the poor girl that falls for him next because he's just going to do the same thing. Lead her on and on and on and then stomp on her heart. But in all this, we're pretty good friends I think.
Anyway, Zach came back from deployment last November and ever since he's been trying to get me back in his bed. I'm extremely flattered. I think the main reason we didn't try to pursue things is because we both knew he was going to be deployed anyway. Sometimes I wonder what would've happened between us if he hadn't been deployed. Maybe after I finally leave TJ, I'll give him another spin. I mean, not that long ago he actually called me while I was driving home and we had a nice conversation. It was good to hear from him. But I don't know about that either. It would be nice to see him I guess, but that would certainly lead to certain things and I wouldn't do that to TJ even if he might deserve it. Plus, I'm not all that interested in booty calls anymore. Like I said, I've had my fun and am ready for more concrete things.
For the longest time I refused to talk to Zach out of respect for TJ, but since he decided he can talk to his ex, I supposed I can talk to mine.
Sometimes I think about breaking up with TJ even though we live together and moving upstairs. But I don't know how much control over myself I could exert if he brought a girl around. Is it strange that Zach can tell me all about the girls he sees, but the idea of TJ doing the same makes me want to vomit?
Well, that's all the stuff I've been thinking about over the past week. I don't know why. I even had a dream about Jordan visiting me the other day. So strange. But at least it's all written down now and one day I can look back and remember, right?
scullerymaid at 10:47 a.m.