July 27, 2012
Fuck work
I hate my job. I feel so miserable, my stomach is churning. Usually, I just shrug off day to day happenings. It's only a minimum wage job and not worth the worry. But this past week has been so stressful, I almost wanted to break down into tears. I shouldn't have to feel this way about work. I understand that a lot of people are unhappy with their jobs, but at least they get paid to stay there. My checks don't even cover my bills, which stresses me out anymore. I have a feeling I might call and quit tonight. That's just where my gut is taking me. At least I didn't lose my temper this morning and walk out the door (which I really thought was going to happen). I don't have a raging temper. It takes a lot to make me angry. I'm too chill for that. I'm not even angry with this whole TJ thing I'm in. But the thing about my temper is it boils. It boils and boils and boils until it explodes like a fuckin' volcano and then I make drastic decisions. Yeah, walking out would have definitely been a drastic decision.
The only problem is, I'm broke as broke. I need to pay off my credit card. My loan is behind. I'm responsible for feeding the two of us and keeping the house stocked with toiletries. Oh, and I need to buy a new headlight before October. How can I just quit? What am I going to do? I feel like I've applied to so many places, though probably not as many as are in my head. Why can't I just find a big girl jooooob! Maybe I should sell my blood. I know there are jobs out there. I live in a large community for crying out loud. There has to be some job for me that doesn't involve making sandwiches and taking people's orders.
Why do I always feel like such a fuck up? All the time. Every year. I just want some sort of stability in my life please and thank you.
How can I return to that dreadful place? If worse comes to worse, perhaps I should try the Gourmet Gang again. Still low pay but at least I get weekends and holidays. Nah, the people there were really uptight. I know I can find a good job somewhere. I obviously just don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
As far as TJ goes, I have no idea how we are. We seem okay, but then again we've always seemed okay. We have a good friendship I think and that's what keeps us going. Probably anyway. That's my theory. Otherwise, why didn't he end things months ago. You know, before he wanted me to move in. It makes no sense to want someone to move in that you don't care for. I like to be a good Samaritan, but I wouldn't give up my living space for just anyone, you know what I mean? Anyway, I've cut back on my affections toward him. As in, I'm not affectionate at all. I'm amicable, but I don't kiss him, I don't try to cuddle, I go about my own business for the most part. I could be crazy for saying this, but I think it bothers him a little bit. At least it seems to anyway. Of course, I'm no expert because this whole time I thought he was more invest than he apparently is so who knows. But it seems like the more I pull away, the more he wants my attention. He tries to play with me and tells me random shit that's going on and smiles at me and pokes me. But I just shrug. He puts a little more passion in the bedroom too. I think over the past couple weeks sex has been a little less frequent, but he seems more... I don't even know what the right words is.
It doesn't matter, though, does it? He spoke his peace didn't he? He flat out told me that he doesn't have feelings for me. So what is all this? I don't even know what I'm doing
scullerymaid at 2:39 p.m.