November 28, 2010
What is that L word?
Love. For the past couple weeks, that word has been popping up a lot. Funny how concepts seem to do that. It's like someone opened a jar of magic and suddenly everywhere you turn, the contents of that jar are scattered about in random places you never expected to see them. That's what love is like right now. He's on my radio, on my tv, on my computer. He's in the news, in the grocery store, in the parking lot. Suddenly, love has decided to make his presence known to me. But there's one tiny problem.
In being overexposed to love, I've discovered I have no idea what love is. Okay, that's not true exactly. I have some knowledge of him since I can clearly identify him on the street. The problem is, I can't figure out how to meet him face to face. In other words, I don't think I know how to love.
For years, I've watched my friends fall in and out of love. Theoretically, it seems like this nonchalant thing that one should be able to do rather easily. All you have to do is give your phone number away and voila!- you have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Seems easy enough. Except I've never met anyone whose phone number I wanted (We are going to ignore Peace right now- I haven't decided if I was in love with him or not considering it was the only time I ever thought I was in love...and since it was the first time it might have been a major crush and not love at all...but let's not get into that) Hell, I didn't even like the first boy I let kiss me- I just wanted to finally be kiss. So I stepped into the game. I played along, strumming his lust like a neglected guitar, and once I got what I wanted, I left. I didn't love that guy. I didn't even want to love him. For me, he served a function, as horrible as it sounds, and once he fulfilled that function and I decided the kiss wasn't good enough for me to stick around, I quickly moved on (he really did have the mouth of a dog though, in my poor defense). Besides, he was becoming too attached, texting me at all hours of the day and saying cheesy things that I found more annoying than cute. It was really doomed from the start. He was not my love.
So I eluded love and continued to play. After that first boy, I made it my mission to kiss who I willed. Sometimes it was good, sometimes I just went through the motions for my own physical pleasure. But I didn't love any of those guys and more importantly, I didn't want to love those guys. And this is where I think my thoughts are going a little crazy.
Because I do want to find love, I promise. I want to make that kind of connection with someone. I want to get giddy and silly and look like a complete dork because I can't stop gushing. But every time some boy decides that I'm attractive and worth pursuing, I tag along for the attention he offers me. Who doesn't enjoy a little flirting, some harmless teasing? If I deny it or not, I do love being the tease. I like to see how far I can go, how much he can take before threatening me with his arousal. And then it's like this switch turns on in my brain and I decide that I don't want the boy. I find reasons not to want him- he's not my type, he's too short, he's obnoxious, he has hairy toes...it doesn't matter the reason as long as there is one. And I quit, I quit and leave, smiling in satisfaction at the progress I made without getting emotionally involved. Then I wait patiently for the next round to see if I can get further.
Does that sound normal to you? I think there's something wrong with me. At this very moment, there are two guys who I could easily choose to date. I could be someone's girlfriend and have a boyfriend. And both guys are decent guys. I would recommend them to anyone who asked. But I can't take that step. The idea of being in a relationship terrifies me and I don't understand why because it's the thing I want most- the thing I've always wanted. So what's wrong with me? Do I really just not know how to love someone? Why can't I commit?
Love told me that I wasn't open-minded enough, that I needed to learn to let go. I simply chuckled and moved on. But in the end, I won't have the last laugh if I don't let someone else tune in. How can I make the connection I crave if I keep the the power turned off?
I hope someday someone bites me so hard that I don't even know what hit me. That way I won't be able to run anymore.
scullerymaid at 1:06 a.m.