October 20, 2012
Avengers
I really just wish I could understand. We've been together for a year and a half. I know it's not that long in reality, but still. His new theory is we don't have any chemistry. Then why did he waste a year and a half with me? If he hasn't felt a single thing, why did he ask me to move in? Why did he bring me here? What was his purpose for this whole relationship?
I just don't understand why he feels so unhappy. Why he kept up appearances all this time. Before I moved in, he had plenty of time to end things if he didn't feel these sensations he says he isn't feelings. But no, he'd rather just drag it out all this time, and I just keep caring for him more and more only for him to stick the knife in when I'm not expecting it. But you just wait, now he's going to act as if nothing ever happened.
None of it makes sense and even worse I just want to be here with him. Sometimes I sit back and wonder when I became that girl. Why would I want to stay with someone like that? Someone who plays around with my feelings, sucks up my affection, and leaves me with little more than a few cuddles here and there. Why would I want that?
I guess I just keep tricking myself. I've always claimed that my number one defense mechanism is denial. Well, surely I'm in it deep.
So what to do now? I don't know. I don't even know if we are broken up or not. I just want to make it through Christmas. I know it sounds silly, but for some reason I set that as a deadline in my head and that's all I ask. One more Christmas with his family. And perhaps with the new year I can put all this behind me like a dream.
It's just all so ridiculous. I really just don't understand how you can be with someone and then one day decide you're done. One day out of the blue decide you don't have feelings. Love may start out as a feeling, but I think it can easily be made into a decision. But of course, I'm just rationalizing and rambling because my heart is breaking.
That's all this talk is. Just my heart trying desperately to stay together. I wonder what it's like to be loved by someone instead of always being the one that loves. I'm so weary of wasting my love and all I want to do is stay.
I'm a stupid woman.
scullerymaid at 3:07 p.m.