August 09, 2012
Fantasies
Ugh I almost made it through lunch without getting upset. Tonight is the kickoff for preseason. I'm talking football. I'm a Redskins fan and tonight is our first game. TJ is also a Redskins fan and wants to go out to watch the game. Without me. I said something snarky along the lines of it figures he would choose to go out for the start of the season. He then said he's been trapped in the house all week. I countered that he chooses not to go out and then finally decides to go out when I'd actually be interested in going too.
It wasn't a fight, no worries there. But it still irked the snot out of me. Sometimes I think he uses me as an excuse as to why he doesn't go out. But when have I ever stopped him. If he wants to go chill with his brothers or hang out at a bar, why should I care? It only bothers me, like I said, when it's something big that I'd like to be included in. Like the first game of preseason. Do you know how boring it is watching football alone? I'll probably rent a Redbox instead now.
Today I finally finished everything for my subbing application. Now I just have to attend a training class at the end of the month and I'll officially be in the system. Yay for new income. I really hope I have one more check from Panera since the last one seemed so low. A part of me highly doubts it, but that would be nice to help with gas and getting a couple skirts before the schools start paying me. Then I can leave.
It's such a shame. I would've stayed with TJ forever if he would let me. But he refuses to let me love him. Do you know what it feels like to waste your love? To put forth so much of yourself, thinking one thing all along, and then come to find out your love was never really wanted in the first place. To find out that everything was just pretend. Of course, I suppose this whole time I've had my reservations about certain things, but I thought it was still worth it. The way he acts sometimes, any girl would've thought he cared more than he does.
These are silly things to dwell on. I always thought I'd marry a bigger man anyway. Someone not so short, someone not so lazy, someone willing to be vulnerable. Someone that would fight for me and not just tell me how much they appreciate me only to turn around and pull away all the time. It's silly. I shouldn't want to stay and I know someday I will leave. But I hate it when we're together and I always think to myself I'm going to miss this. I'm going to miss his smile and his laugh and his beautiful full head of hair. I'm going to miss his beard and his biceps. I'm going to miss his family and this home I thought we were building together.
But you can't hold onto something if you know it's not right. You can't force someone to change their feelings or take back what they've done to you. It was a good go. There's no reason to have regret. It just saddens me to go. One day when I'm able. We could've been great together. If he put as much effort into our relationship as he does with his cat, we would be like gold.
I have the strangest fantasy of just disappearing one day. No goodbyes. No awkwardness. No tears. Well, maybe some tears. But just packing my stuff and slipping away one day while he's out like I'd never been here in the first place. I'll just hop in my car and go to Montana, making a few friendly pit stops on the way. I know it's a strange thing to do and TJ doesn't deserved it. Maybe we aren't going to make it as a couple, but he has been good to me. He's given me this house to live in and has helped me so much through my struggles. But loving him everyday is slowly killing me and I'd rather just leave without all the hub bub.
My biggest fear is finding loneliness in Montana. For the first time in my life none of my friends will be there with me. But the change will heal my heart. The beauty of the landscape will settle my soul while I mend my broken heart.
And who knows. Maybe I'll meet a cowboy, chaps and all
scullerymaid at 3:25 p.m.