August 14, 2012
Feeling like a loser
Sometimes I really do think I'm depressed. Maybe just a little bit. I try to stay optimistic. What reason have I to feel depressed? I'm healthy. I'm young. I have a rood over my head and food in my belly. Where's my right to feel so unfortunate?
But I'm home alone all day everyday and the thoughts are left to crowd my head
Your mother doesn't speak to you
Your father is busy with his new life
Your brother thinks you hate him
Your best friend is all the way across the country and doesn't plan on returning
All your other friends have moved away, too
You quit your job because it was eating away at your soul
You now have no job and can't find a good one
You have less than no money
You live with a man that doesn't love you but thought it was okay to bring you here anyway
You can't seem to shed a single pound
You can't stop crying
The only four men you've ever cared for in your life are determined to make you as bitter as your grandmother
I suppose these are all good reasons to be a little depressed, but it wasn't supposed to be this way. I'm just a silly girl. I shouldn't have held onto this place so hard. I should have followed Alan to Seattle. I might still have all those other problems but at least I wouldn't feel so alone all the time. At least he would be there to cheer me up, to give me real human interaction, and not make me feel like something to be tolerated.
Yesterday was such a good day and now I've fallen back into the slumps again. I guess if this is how I'm going to feel I really should go off to grad school. It'll distract my mind. But I have to wait a whole year. Which is good so I can save some money up after I finally start working again. And the craziest thing is how much I would love to just stay here. But TJ is set in his ways. He's never going to want to settle down and that's neither his fault nor my fault. I just wish he wouldn't have asked me to move in. I love being here with him but at the same time it's given me such a false sense of a future together. And now I've turned into a big cry baby.
But tomorrow is another day. Maybe all these tears are an extra boost from my period. God, I hope so. This past week and a half have been killer on my emotions and not much has changed in the past few months on that front. Gah!
scullerymaid at 12:21 p.m.