October 24, 2010
Urban shaman
I keep forgetting that I'm supposed to be working and not surfing the things that I like on the web. Or reading the book that is not for school. Or just sitting in an open space lost in my own thoughts. I do that more than anything. Thinking thinking thinking. It never stops. I'm always lost inside my own thoughts, dreaming things that are possible and impossible, watching the people go about their own business around me and wondering what they are thinking.
And it feels so good, even if I haven't started on my next anthropology assignment yet (my excuse being that's not true- I started it over fall break and just need to transfer it from my notebook and onto my computer so that it looks nice and trim). In all these thinking I've allowed myself, in all this time that I've been spending alone, I feel so energized. I keep chiding myself. I should be feeling lonely. I haven't gone out with friends in what seems such a long time. I haven't hung out with anyone either. I go to school, I go home. And that's it. Maybe I'm supposed to feel lonely, maybe I'm supposed to crave human contact, but I don't. I read. I cook. I read some more. I browse through my cookbooks and create new recipes (the latest being a sort of cinnamon roll with a pumpkin frosting). I feel very content being with just myself.
But even that is a delusion because I see SB often enough. I study with her on Mondays inbetween classes and sometimes I'll help her out with one of her RA programs. I went home with her over fall break. So even in my newly found reclusive state, SB has become my sliver into the human world. I hold onto her gently so that I don't become an animal, lost in my own mind and unable to return. And Popeguy of course. I hold onto him as well. The texts aren't that frequent, but they're frequent enough for me.
But do you know what I find to be most funny? That in all this alone time, in that fact that I understand that I don't need to have constant contact with anyone, going to Montana frightenes me. Why? Because I will be alone. I won't no anyone. I won't have any friends, no family to turn to. I will be ought there without a single familar face. And I'm terrified that I won't form connection with people there. What if I'm too reclusive? What if people think I'm odd, not friendly and strange? What if I loose my voice out in that wilderness? I want to make new friends. I want to be around people. I want to laugh and joke and share my meals. Despite wanting to be alone, I also want the human contact that I avoid. And I'm not sure that I know how to balance the two opposing feelings- the want to be connected and the want to be separate.
But I'm even more afraid of not getting in. I'm only applying to the one school. If I go to school, that's where I want to go. So if I don't get in, I have no idea what I'm going to be doing. Is stupid of me to only apply to one school? Shouldn't I have a better plan? Maybe. I don't know. I guess we'll find out, won't we?
Okay, I should really write my report. The faster I do it, the faster I can play
scullerymaid at 6:31 p.m.