July 31, 2015
It's normal to feel depressed and frustrated
So we had our first fight! Actually, I don't think we were really fighting. There wasn't any sort of ongoing argument between us or anything. And yet it felt like we were fighting. All day yesterday I had this icky feeling in my chest. You know, that feeling you get when you've fought with someone and all you want to do is make things right again. Apparently, he felt like we were fighting, too.
It started in the morning. I was still feeling a little unsettled from Monday even though we had since talked things through. I didn't like the fact that we had left things weird that night so I just wanted to physically see him to make up as well. That backfire a little. I didn't realize it, but it seems that he was still feeling rather moody yesterday. So we were texting back and forth whether or not it was a good idea for me to come over since he was in a mood and in the end I decided just not to. Which I guess wasn't really a resolution either because later he texted me again and I just didn't know how to respond. You see, he's been feeling really frustrated and depressed this week. I had an idea as to why, and I wanted to be understanding, but since he was feeling these things I began to feel these things. I felt bad about it, but I really couldn't help it. If he's down, I'm going to be down. And even though I don't think I'm that great at reading him, I can really feel it when his mood changes and it has a deep affect on me. Is this what happens when you put two highly empathetic people together?
Anyway, I ended up hanging out with Monica that even. He found out I was in his part of town so we talked for a few minutes on the phone. It was awkward. I wasn't sure what he needed from me, I once again didn't know how to comfort him. So eventually I said I was going to come over so we could get down to the bottom of it.
When I arrived, he had been drinking. I had a feeling it was because he knew I was coming over and he wanted to try to liven up his mood. Unfortunately for him, I'm a talker so it wasn't long before I brought him right back down. I felt bad for prying, but clearly something was really bothering him if he was still upset from the beginning of the week. And he did open up to me, which I really appreciated. It meant so much that he was willing to be so vulnerable in front of me when it seems to be something completely against his nature. I think I've mentioned before how in this relationship I tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve and he bottles his up. But that certainly doesn't mean he isn't feeling a lot of things just because he doesn't show it. So I let him talk about how he's not satisfied with where he's at, how his schedule doesn't allow him to have a social life and he can't remember when he last saw his friends. How he has great days where he's content with things, and then days like this week where he is utterly depressed. I don't think I really did anything to comfort him, but I sure could relate. I was so frustrated with my job yesterday I wanted to quit. I'm not where I had hoped to be and have no idea how to get there since I'm drowning in debt. We are both two people a little lost in life craving a sense of stability. I really like that he longs for stability as much as I do.
So he cried and I listened and we talked about how to strike a balance between the two of us. You see, I have the advantage of being able to introvert after I get off work. I go in and socialize, go home and decompress from the day, then I'm energized to go see him. But he doesn't go into work until 4pm, which means he spends his mornings dreading it. Then he deals with all those customers only to come home at 10pm if he's lucky. If I come over or he decides to hang out, he doesn't get that same level of being able to introvert. I'm trying really hard to understand, because I do get that need to be alone. It's just difficult since our schedules are so different. It makes me wonder how we would balance that if we ever moved in together. I think we would need a bigger space. His apartment is way too small for both of us to get into an introvert mood because I guarantee if he went into a mood, it would immediately shoot me into one. But that's neither here nor there at this point, huh.
Everything is going to be fine. I think it's good that we both understand that need to be alone, it's just hard to pencil it in. And it was nice that he opened up to me. It was a hard conversation, but I think it helped a lot. I still felt a little unsettled afterwards because I felt like I had failed him in not being able to really comfort him. So we decided to go to bed and cuddled a little as he shared some more things with me. It was nice. It really was.
So there was our first non-fight. I'm quite happy with the outcome.
scullerymaid at 12:02 p.m.