May 11, 2015
Violated
Oh, diary. I haven't had time to say anything yet, but Brian has discovered you. He confessed to this last Wednesday. I guess after our first date he was curious about me, wanted to learn more, so he pried (his words, not mine) and I guess he's very good at it because no one else has ever discovered my diary. Not that I'm aware of anyway. Or I guess, no one has been interested enough to stumble across it. I knew he had found my Facebook and my Instagram and those kind of social media profiles, but it never occurred to me that someone could just connect me to my diary. Naive, huh?
Anyway, I went over there Wednesday evening. I'm not sure why he decided to tell me when he did, but I guess it was weighing heavy on his mind. I can't remember what we were talking about. The evening has become a blur at this point, but toward the end of the night he looked at me and told me he had found you. I guess I reacted badly to it. I didn't feel upset. At least, I don't think I felt upset. I felt violated. I felt scared. There are so many private things in here I didn't want him to know yet. Things about TJ since our breakup was so recent. How I was beginning to feel about him in this new relationship we're developing.
As yes, that's what we had been talking about. Mind reading. I had wished to know what he was thinking, wished I could read his mind for a moment. I guess that was an appropiate time as ever to tell me because it seems he already knows what I'm thinking and feeling.
I can't fault him though. He didn't know what it was he had found, and once he realized he had breached my privacy, he stopped reading my older entries. As private and personal as it is for me, I've also kept it public all these years. So I can't be angry. I can feel a little stripped clean, but there really is no one to blame in this situation. It is what it is and the only thing to do is to trust that he won't do it again and move on.
I had thought about locking it, but I don't think there is any need to. He was very upset about the whole thing. I think I clammed up a little when he told me. I remember I had to get up and walk around and I think I doubled over in the kitchen for a minute to calm my shock. But he teared up and was very sorry, very repentant, and felt very guilty. Can I say that again? He teared up. Can you imagine? It touched me that he was so upset by the whole thing. I appreciated his honesty. I love how open and vulnerable he was with me. He was nervous that he had fucked this whole thing up between us, but part of me might have been a little flattered that he chose to dig so deep. He didn't think that I would want to talk to him or see him, but the opposite was true. I wanted to talk. I wanted to see him. I wanted to work through it and put it behind us.
I don't feel like I've done this story any justice, but that's what I get for waiting for so long to add an entry. But overall, I think it was a good experience for the two of us. Neither of us are very confrontational, though I'm beginning to change my tune on that front, so I think it was nice to see how we would handle an instant of conflict. We talked it out. He didn't shut down on me, and I can't say how much I really do appreciate that. The fact that he can talk to me makes me feel so grateful to have met him. I feel very lucky. I just hope he hasn't used anything he's read to his advantage. He already knows what I'm thinking and feeling, you know? And I feel I'm sitting here in the dark. Not really. I know things. I'm just still waiting for him to walk out that door and not come back.
But he brought me flowers and beer the next night and stayed over with me. What more could a girl ask for? I'm cooking for him for the first time tonight, and I'm very nervous about it. I tested out the recipe yesterday first, but still...
scullerymaid at 3:26 p.m.