September 27, 2010
Chapters
You know, I feel like i admit my faults. I am anything but perfect and along with that imperfections includes pride, stubborness, and temper. I don't like be told what to do and am sure as hellfire going to do the opposite. I take life with a smile, but my anger bottles up to volcanic levels until I explode and destroy everything around me. I'd rather walk away with my head held high then sulk around with my tail between my legs...even if sometimes I should learn to be more humble. I am a complex individual just like every other individual on this planet and I know that my actions aren't always the best ones.
I know my faults. I know I walked out of that house without a care, willing to never see my closest friends ever again. I was willing to break up with them for peace of mind and soul, with as little regret as I could manage. I would cut myself out of their lives completely if they couldn't understand me, if they wanted to pressure me. I'm adaptable. I've moved around my whole life, trading one set of friends for another- or none. As much as I thought I valued friendship, I also understood the meaning of change and moving on. I'm too aware of the closing of certain chapters in a lifetime. Not everything lasts forever, no matter how we wish some things could. Even the best things sometimes have to be put to rest and walked away from.
And I was willing to do it. Even though I was the hurt one, I was willing to play the bad guy. I would be the one who started action. I would created the tension, I allowed the bad blood to form. I did the abadoning for what seemed like no reason at all. I left without a word, packed up my things silently while they watched, saying mean things as if I couldn't hear. And I left. I left my friends because I felt spent and didn't know what else to do.
And now as we let things settle behind us, I'm willing to be the doormat. I'm willing to stand the accusations and carry the guilt. I'm willing to make the apologies, though I think I should receive one too. I'm willing to keep that title of "the bad guy."
Because at least I'm out. I know what it is to suddenly feel pressured. One day everything is fine, and the next you're ready to escape. You snap. The ones you love...are stressing you out. You want to be separate, to be individual, to be alone. You feel sorry for it, but at the same time inside you're struggling to stay afloat. You know things are your fault, even if they aren't your fault. And it doesn't matter because now you're just one survival mode. Maybe the others didn't do anything visibly wrong. Maybe they really are just innocent bystanders. Or maybe not. But either way, you broke free to...be free. Some things are just too overwhelming.
Yes, I have my faults. I have a temper that pushes me to act out of character. I wear my pride like a valuable coat. And i'm as stubborn as a mule, unwilling to do anything I don't want to do. Maybe these things have cost me my friends, and maybe they haven't. But this is who I am and those were the actions I took. Sure, things could have played out differently if everyone was willing to open their ears. But no one opened their ears to my anxiety. I still had to be the one all the blame fell on.
So even after apologizing and making amends, I can't help this nochalant attitude I now have. People like to pretend that friendship is all equal, but it's not. It's a complicated module of close friends, aquaintances, study buddies, shopping buddies, cooking buddies, crying buddies, sports buddies, and best friends, school friends, work friends, and random friends. Can everyone really be equal in your heart? Can they all fit in the same space? For me, the rungs of the latter have formed. Even if I never meant them to. Why should I put in my effort when it leaves me feeling unappreciated? When I just become this snippy person I don't like.
No more. I might have friends. I might not. I might have faults, but I also have good qualities. And I'm ready for a new chapter.
scullerymaid at 2:33 p.m.