September 13, 2010
A little prattle
I wish I would have taken the GRE over the summer. Life would be a little less hectic if I had. Who has time to study for that, do homework, and work? Actually, I haven't been to work in two weeks...and I'm loving it. Not working has allowed me to catch up on all my work and reading. Not working gives me time to actually focus on school and now I don't want to go back- and I'm tempted not to. I envy the student who doesn't work. The student who can kick back and just relax, worrying about papers and projects as opposed to that as well as cutting turkey and setting up line. I think I might quit. This concept scares me, but this is my most important semester and I want it to end well. I want to raise my GPA two points. I want to worry about grad school and all these term papers I have (and this semester I have one in ALL my clases). Maybe taking one semester won't kill me financially. I have a little bit of a savings. Or maybe in October after fall break (when I want to visit Montana), I'll get a weekend job. You know, ease up a little bit. There's always Christmas break to work, and next semester and summer. Maybe I could do this...? I won't have spending money, but I need to learn to eat at home anyway. Maybe I'll take a couple more weeks off, settle into my apartment, and then see how things go.
Oh, and yes, I'm getting an apartment with my father. Never saw that coming, but I don't mind too much. I think I'd get a place with Mom if she lived in the area. I've enjoyed staying with her the past couple weeks. I don't even mind commuting like I thought I would. It's nice to be around family, I've been gone for so long. With Popeguy gone to Quebec, I get lonely so being at my mom's brings me something familiar and comforting. But me and my dad will be fine. But hell, if I could afford the gas, I would totally commute all the way from Petersburg. Takes me about an hour-ten. I'm temped to ask Dad if he wants to live in Smithfield. That's be about 10-15 mins. But we already have a place picked out and October's rent will be free, adding to my savings and desire not to work for awhile! We'll see, I suppose. We always do.
Recently I've been thinking about the break-up. You know, the one I have with my friends and roommates. I'm not really regretful, and that bothers me. I'm sad that certain traditions will no longer hold for me, like Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas brunch, going to SB's for fall break (though the two of us are still tight as chickens) or going clubbing together. But that's okay. I don't mind all that much. I wish we'd parted on better terms, and maybe it's only be that feels like we had to part, but perhaps one day things will be good again. I don't know, but I do know I feel utterly relieved. I catch myself smiling and I haven't done that in a good while. Not to say I was unhappy with my friends. I love them to death, but they were draining. I just need to be on my own for awhile and I don't think they understand that. I wish I could better explain it, but what's done is done. But everytime I see Snortgiggles, I have to swallow a panic attack everytime. I understand. But she doesn't have to be so ugly about everything. I know she's pissed, but being rude and sending nasty texts isn't solving anything except pushing us even further apart. So I avoid her. I avoid the twins, too, because they like to hide in her shadow. I'm the queen at disappearing. I can be on campus or off and no one would know the difference. I can melt into the crack and crevices of the buildings, of the grounds. Maybe it's not the best skill to have. Maybe people accuse me of running from my problems. But I don't look at it that way. Dealing with sensitive stuff like this head on makes me sick to my stomach. So I say my peace and listen to the words of the other party. If we can compromise, great. If not, there's no need for contact or engagement. Maybe that's a stupid way of looking at things, but it's my stupid way and I'll stick to it for a short bit more.
Whatever. No point in dwelling either. What's done is done.
I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I've found a stable and am thinking about riding again. Horses, that is :-D I miss riding and I think it would be good therapy. I feel like I need therapy but talking it out in a room doesn't seem to do the job for me. I feel like I talk and my words are just repeated back to me like a parrot. I never find a sense of resolution. So perhaps being out in nature on the back of a horse will settle my soul again. What I would do for peace of soul. So this is my plan for now.
Oh, remember how everyone around me seems to be getting married or talking about marriage? The other day my great grandma asked me if marriage was in my furutre plans. I'd love to get married. There just doesn't seem to be a groom handy. So now between my granny and my parents, I feel a lot of pressure to settle down- and that's what I want to do anyhow. I just don't see it happening in the near future...
But that's okay. I have plans. I'm going to go to grad school and start figuring out how to accomplish my goals. Besides, my mom is convinced that I'll meet my hubby in grad school. That's within the next three years. I hope she's right. I'd rather start popping out my brood now rather than later. I don't want the risks of birthing to be added to by my increasing age. Right now I'm young and healthy. Not that I want to have babies tomorrow, mind you. But I'm a family oriented type of person. You should see me with Cousin's baby! Lots of people think she's mine the way I carry on with her. And I'd take her in a heartbeat, she's so adorable!
I feel like I'm babbling and rambling. I just think there's so much to address and since my mom doesn't have internet, this is the time to do it!
scullerymaid at 10:11 a.m.