January 05, 2017
Lenovo
It's been so long! And I have so much to say. I hate being so neglectful considering I've bee doing this for...10 years? God, more like 15. Isn't that astonishing! But clearly, I need to work on the upkeep. Some of the neglect is due to work and school, but most of it has to do with the fact that my old laptop called it quits back in August (right before the start of the semester, too!). But Brian's parents were too kind for Christmas and gifted me enough money to go out and buy a new, cheap computer. So, here we are. Ready to continue with my life's tale.
I finished my first semester back to school. Literature program. And I'd like to say the semester was a breeze, though one class was like to drive me crazy. But I managed all A's, even if I didn't manage a 4.0. Poo! That's okay because Tuesday starts the new semester and I signed myself up for two writing intensive courses. Doesn't seem like the brightest idea, and we'll see if I can pull another semester of A's.
I like the school. Students are friendly, professors are friendly. I do have a small complaint about the advisors. None of them are on the same page when I in a mood for advice, and this has delayed my preferred movement in the program. So I'm trying to decide if I want to bypass all that hullabaloo and go a slightly different route than anticipated. We'll see if I get any answers this semester. Then I'll decide. No need to rush.
Last Friday was my birthday. I worked a double shift, but on Sunday Brian took me out to a Brazilian restaurant, you know, one of those all you can eat places where the servers go around with swords of meat to shave off onto your plate. It's divine! And definitely an affair saved for once or twice a year. We certainly overindulged and I swear I still have a food baby. But the lamb chops...THE LAMB CHOPS are to.die.for. I could eat lamb chops everyday!
Other than that, things are fairly quiet. Go to work. Come home. Now I'll be going to class, going to work, and coming home. Hopefully, the juggling of it all isn't too bad. I'm trying to get a head start on some of my reading now. Jane Eyre. Moby Dick. Theory. It should be an interesting semester.
Brian and I are doing well I believe. I still cry all the time, so I'm going to ask to change my birth control when I see my doctor next. It's quite ridiculous. I feel so bad about it. The littlest thing will upset me, and 10 minutes later I'll have no idea why I was crying in the first place. He says he doesn't mind it, but it makes me feel, I don't know, needy? Dependent? Maybe petty? It's frustrating because I can always feel the tears coming and the only thing to do seems to be to let them come. Is this a getting older thing? I don't ever remember crying so much in my early twenties.
But Brian is still so good to me. Living with him for some time now, it's easier to discern the things he does that get on my nerves, but for the most part I don't mind it. Little annoyances are part of any relationship. Now it's more a matter and, HA!, I guess picking and choosing the ones that are worth mentioning. I do love our relationship. I love how he cares for me. I love how he loves me. I love loving him. We keep talking about buying a house, but I' beginning to think it's just talk. Or nerves. Neither of us know how to buy a house. I really enjoy the home we've created in this little apartment, but I'd love to expand just a tiny bit into a little house. It can be a small house. I don't mind as long as it has a kitchen and a yard. Two bathrooms would be nice, too, but I'd survive without it.
There's one thing that bothers me and I can never quite bring it up the right way. At least, no solution is offered anyhow. Let's talk about sex. Sex with Brian is great. When it happens. Which is once a week if I'm lucky. Maybe that's normal. I don't know. I asked Artist, and she and her boyfriend go about four times a week. Romania and her husband are about three times a month, but to be fair, they have bigger problems right now. So I don't know. And when Brian and I have tried to talk about it, we both acknowledge that I have a higher drive, but then that's it. There's no compromise on his part and I don't want to push the topic because I don't want him to think that I'm dissatisfied, because I'm not. My real issues, I think, has to do with self-image maybe. The less sex we have, the less emboldened I become and I just feel like I've become very shy in the bedroom. Shouldn't the opposite be true? We've been dating for nearly two years. I should be as comfortable with him as I am with my favorite sweatshirt (which I've basically been wearing for three days). And I do feel very comfortable with him. But I don't like to initiate anything now, and I don't think that's how I was in the beginning of all this. And I don't know what he likes because we have sex so infrequently and sporadically, I feel like I don't have enough of an opportunity to explore him. So sex just makes me feel very shy instead. Which in turn makes me feel ridiculous. And unattractive. And bad at sex. And I know none of those things are true, but I feel them nonetheless and it makes me frustrated because I don't know what else to do about it since talking about it just doesn't seem to help. So then I think, fine, I'll take the initiative. But because I know, I know, that he doesn't have the same inclinations as I do, that I'm just pressuring him and I don't want to do that either.
I feel like I don't know how to seduce him. Talk doesn't do it. Dressing up (or down) doesn't do it. Presents, dinner, perfume, lingerie, no go. I can tell him directly that I would like to have sex, and he always fine with it, but that's not my style. I don't want to ask my boyfriend for sex. I also feel like I'm making it sound worse than it is. Sex every Sunday night is okay, right? And some months, it's more frequent. I think I just feel...unattractive. I really think that's it. We just used to make out ALL the time. But really, that's not even true. We used to make out when we would see each other. Which was once a week. So maybe I just thought that seeing each other every day would mean more make outs. More sex. And now I feel bad some more. Because we're still doing what we've always done. Like I said. I think this is mostly me being annoyed at feeling so shy when we're in the bedroom, and then in turn feeling unwanted. Which isn't the case because he's told me plenty enough how much he wants me, and when he does it's so amazing and wondering and...just makes me want more.
Sigh. I'm not all that concerned. I just needed to get it off my chest because I don't have lot of people to talk to anymore.
scullerymaid at 9:50 p.m.