July 14, 2016
Sigourney
I feel like the grumpiest grumpy person. I honestly don't know how Brian puts up with it. He claims not to have noticed, but inside I sure do feel it. Maybe I've just always been a grumpy person? But I have absolutely nothing to be grumpy about. Everything is working out so wonderfully. I finally quit my awful job- and it seems that I did so at just the right moment. People have been telling me how bad the department has gotten. Complete anarchy I'm told. Good riddance. I'm starting classes this fall. Maybe I'm taking the easy way in, but at least it's a start after all these years of just talking about it. Today I moved the rest of my stuff out of my apartment so that someone new can take over the lease tomorrow...and I'll be getting the majority of the deposit back, which is sorely needed at this low money point I'm currently experiencing. And last but certainly not least, I moved in with the man I love. A man that is so kind and patient and sweet, and annoying at times, but a man that loves me as I love him and I couldn't dream of anything more. It's an odd thing,, being loved. I knew what it was like not to be loved. Sometimes I thing I have some trouble with this whole actually being loved things. With this whole grumpiness I feel, I think it might actually just be part of that not really knowing how to let someone love me after being so thoroughly unloved for so long. And now all that love is shoved under the same roof in a tiny little apartment. I'm overjoyed by that, but there's a small part of me that fears it. That fears losing it. Plus, there has been A LOT of change in such a short period of time. I guess that makes me a little grumpy. Perhaps grumpy is the wrong word altogether. Nervous seems more fitting.
But I am very glad for the way things have turned out. I feel mostly at peace. Lord knows I have a restless soul, so that's saying something I suppose. Everything is falling into place. And I guess that can be scary, huh?
I keep telling Brian that I'm going to marry him and have his babies. "Keep" is a bit of an exaggeration, but I've certainly mentioned it a time or two in the year+ that we've been dating- in serious moments when I'm confessing the deepest of my feelings for him. Once was at his cousin's wedding when I was drunk off wine and happiness. The second was in the midst of a "fight" if you can even call it that. We don't fight I don't think. We have awkward moments of misunderstandings and try to work through them as best as we can. That particular misunderstanding had been a few weeks ago when Brian assumed I had gone off my birth control and was hesitant to keep having sex since my bc is the only form of protection we use. I understand his hesitancy, but I was upset at him for doubting me and not talking to me about it sooner. But we talked it out, and in that talk I ultimately told him I was in this for the long haul and had every intention of having his babies. I'm certain he's not there yet, but I know he's hopeful and that will just have to hold me over for the time being. In the very least, we have decided to name our future daughter Sigourney. I guess I'll take it. I don't much like nicknames, but I think it would be fun to call her Siggy.
scullerymaid at 6:09 p.m.