April 05, 2016
Julia Nunes on Sunday!
Everyday I find myself filling up more and more with love, and it really is a beautiful thing. It's not always pretty, but it's certainly beautiful. Just last night I was annoyed with Brian because we missed out on pizza night at the gym. Because it took an hour and a half to get him out the door. Don't mess with a girl looking forward to pizza who is ultimately let down because of her slow dumb boyfriend. But it was still such a nice night. We went to the gym, then went home and made a very good dinner (zoodles and tomatoes with pesto...and garlic naan because I couldn't resist!), and I fell asleep against him while watching Creed. These are the things I live for!
Sunday we're going to a concert in NC. Julia Nunes! It's my first concert, and our first road trip. I'm very excited! Then in two weeks we're driving down to Georgia for his cousin's wedding. I must admit I'm nervous about meeting his extended family. I love his parents and siblings, but this is serious business. I hope I make a good impression and I don't get all shy and awkward. I've been told I'm charming and personable so here's to hoping.
But love really is a scary thing. I good scary I'd say, but scary nonetheless. I often find myself thinking about how much I love this person, how much I want to build a life with this person and settle down and do all those milestone things with this person that you're supposed to do. And then I think to myself, Oh my God. I want to build a life with this person. Am I crazy? Am I sure? How does one know? I had a mini version of this conversation with Brian the other day, expertly skirting around the hopes and expectations I'm clearly starting to cling to. It started off with kids. It doesn't scare him that I like to talk about kids. Seriously, I can't wait to have kids...though I certainly will. Anyway, the subject shifted from children to...not exactly marriage, but to whether or not Brian could see building a future with me. I'm always thankful for his honest answers. He said that he could, but he wasn't certain yet. And I really appreciate the fact that he has come to love me in his own time. That it's not something he rushed into, sending me hearts and leaving me love notes the first month we were dating. Even though I hopped on that train a lot sooner than he did, I really like that it took him almost a whole year to decide he's ridiculously in love with me. It feels more sincere to me this way, and I like where I tend to rush in, he drags his feet a little bit. I think it's a nice balance. So, I really like that even though he could see a future with me, he's not certain yet. Because that means when he is certain, he'll really mean it and it won't be something that we rushed into, you know? Besides, I'm sure he knows I have every intention of marrying him, and I'm more than willing to wait for him to catch up. But it also makes me questions my own certainty. Do I really want to marry Brian? Why? How do I know? How could I possibly make that decision when we really haven't known each other all that long. Well, I think one thing to consider is you can never be 100% certain of anything. And there's no such thing as Prince Charming or the perfect partner. And Brian is far far far from perfect. There are things that he does that just boggles my mind and I don't understand and sometimes I just find myself shaking my head. And I'm sure he finds me to be annoying and compulsive and a bit lazy. And I really don't want to fall into that statement that he's not perfect, but he's perfect for me...because I don't necessarily believe that. But I do believe that he is kind and good and sweet and understands me and doesn't make harsh judgments against me. I do know that we get along really well and thinking about him makes my entire being tingle and I think he's one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. And I do believe that he's worth committing to. I can't say that I never get stuck in my head and fill myself to the brim with hesitations, but at the end of the day he is my favorite person to talk to.
I really am counting down the months to when we can hopefully live together. We haven't talked about it yet, but I figure come November that should be a thing on the table. I mean, we practically live together now, and I'm finding it increasingly difficult trying to split my time, attention, and belongings at two different apartments. It would just be extremely convenient to live together. And supposedly my parents found someone to take this cat off my hands so that it will be just Pacha and me again, and I'm certain the three of us could find harmony without Rascal.
Once upon a time I had it in my head that we would have to get a new place and that living together in his apartment would be the worst idea, but I don't quite feel that way anymore. Sure, I'd prefer a larger space, but it's not so bad. I think my biggest fear is combing our belongings. I'd probably have to seriously downsize, which I'm willing to do, but I have a fear of moving into someone else's space. Because it's their space, you know? And I'd almost rather move into a place that is our space. But as I said, we practically live together anyway so maybe it would be so bad. It'd just be a matter of figuring out what to do with the stuff I'm not willing to part with, and what to do with the litter box...
One day, sweet diary. One day.
I've been thinking about school a lot recently. I've become extremely unsatisfied with my job, and now that I have the GRE under my belt, I don't have any excuses. So I've stared my application and am working on my personal statement, but I'm still worried about money. It costs money to go to school, and I have bills that need to be paid. So now I'm wondering if I can find a job with work hours that are more conducive to maybe going to school. At night. I don't know. Maybe that would be too much on my plate. But I things need to change and I need them to change now while I'm feeling motivated. I thought maybe I would try teaching for a couple years before applying to school. Some districts will pay for your schooling. And if not, at least the work day ends earlier.
I don't know what to do, but at least I'm thinking about it.
scullerymaid at 3:38 p.m.