March 31, 2016
Sleepless nights
I don't sleep well without Brian, and this really bothers me. I don't remember having that problem with TJ. If anything, I really enjoyed my own bed without him. But with Brian, I have a hard time falling asleep without him next to me. And that in his bed. My own bed at home is even worse. I really enjoy spending time at my apartment in my own space, cuddling with Pacha, watching my preferred movies, cooking whatever I want, but I find that I stay up late because I just can't settle down to go to bed. And when I do crawl under the covers, I just stare up at the ceiling for what seems like hours.
But when I go to Brian's house, I fall asleep next to him on the couch quicker than anything. I swear all I do at his place is sleep. I just find this odd. After all this time you would think there would be improvement here, but I feel that my inability to fall asleep without him is just getting worse. So we'll see how this progresses or doesn't progress I suppose.
I'm also having a hard time writing. I'm working on my single application to grad school, and though I have things I want to include in my essay, I'm having trouble organizing it. I'm not sure what kind of tone I want to take or how cliche I want to be with my struggles. I never thought I'd have such a hard time with it, but I am. It's mostly insecurity I'm sure, a fear that I won't get accepted into the one and only university I'm applying to. If I don't submit an application, I can't get rejected, right? Some backwards thinking! Anyway, I'm been scribbling things down here and there in hopes that it will eventually come together in a sound essay. Should I be matter of fact, or take on a narrative? We'll see!
I've been feeling restless again. Restless at work. Restless at home. Restless with life. I need change. I need growth. I want to do something.
scullerymaid at 5:04 p.m.