February 22, 2016

Cars and love

Just had to fork out $600 for my car to pass inspection. I feel like working at Yoyo is bringing in good money, but I swear all these expenses keep coming up. But good news is all my accounts are at least current so my biggest worry is to maintain them while trying to pay them off more quickly. I feel good. Despite the $600 loss, I feel good about my finances.

Also, I joined the gym again. Recently I've been feeling like I really should be going, plus I want to make a real effort to lose weight and kick these sugar issues out of here. I'd be content just to lose 20 pounds for now. Brian also wants to lose 20 pounds, so we've moved into the next step of our relationship and have decided to be gym buddies. We went yesterday. We're going tonight. It's actually a pretty good system. I like the idea of having a gym buddy to make sure that I actually GO to the gym, but once I get there I like to be left to my own devices. Brian doesn't really like having a gym partner, so this works out for the both of us. I'm actually pretty excited. I feel so much more active now, especially with working at Yoyo too. I worked 11 hours on Saturday and didn't stop moving. I mean, on my feet all day didn't stop moving. Same for Friday night. I'm sure this "movement" is going to help improve my health as well.

I've felt very close to Brian this week. I think now that the love word has been brought out of the shadows, I feel like the relationship has- I don't know- there's just something different about it now. Maybe I feel more secure. For so long I wondered if Brian would ever love me because of that whole break up thing, and now that he does, it's as if this fear has been lift from my shoulders. I feel okay discussing certain things now. Like the possibility of moving in together, of getting married, of having kids. I really don't know how to explain this new turn. It's like before I felt as though we were just dating. Sure, I had my hopes that it would lead into something deeper, but I was always nervous that maybe it wouldn't. That Brian would find me flawed in some way and decide to leave. But he doesn't find me flawed. He does love me and now I've settled into this sense of commitment I guess. Real commitment. Not hopeful commitment if that makes any sense. So yeah.

It was really sweet. Somehow, we spent all of last week together except for Thursday. I figured I would leave him alone. Let him recharge and I could fiddle around my apartment with the things that had been neglected for a week. But then he called me anyway and we ended up talking for an hour before he insisted on letting me go since I had to be up so early the next morning. I guess he missed me. It made me feel loved.

We spend so much time together, it really is strange to sleep apart. I do try to stay at my place during the week. I have the cats, plus I think some degree of separation here and there is a good thing. But it's getting harder. I love him so much, in such a different way than I've ever loved before, and I find that I miss him at night when I sleep alone.

We had a very touching moment last night. I was crying. I tend to do that a lot now. It's as though Brian told me he loved me, and all my insecurities have started rising to the surface. I've never been loved before so sometimes I think I don't know how to be loved. Whatever that means. I don't know. But as I was crying, I was telling him these things and at some point I asked him if he was sure he loved me. I also told him that sometimes I'm scared I don't show him how much I love him. I get caught up in my head and I have this fear of being aloof. Then he told me how affectionate I am, and that the reason he fell in love with me is because I make him feel loved. That everyday I show him how much I love him and that's an incredible feeling. And then we both cried.

It's great. It really is. I couldn't be happier.

scullerymaid at 12:11 p.m.

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