February 11, 2016
In love
TJ texted me. It would seem a letter of mine was delivered to his house. No big deal, right? I can just go pick it up. Only, I don't really want to go now. After he let me know about the letter, he had to let me know how much he misses me. How it's been months and he can't get over me. How miserable his life is. And sometimes I think it's his way to try to drag me back in. I mean, that's what he always used to do right? We'd break up, I'd be sad, I'd finally move on, then he would contact me. Tell me how much better his life is with me. How wonderful I am, how horrible he is. He'd pull at my heartstrings, beg for my empathy, and I'd be dragged back down into that mess. I don't really care to deal with it. But it looks like it might be an important letter, so I'll go. I told Brian that I'd be going. Moral support if you will. I feel like the longer that TJ and I are separated, the more uncomfortable I become around him. And it's mostly a matter of boundaries I think. He knows I have a boyfriend, but he insists on telling me things that are no longer appropriate. Things he misses, if you will. And it just angers me. Angers me because it is inappropriate, and because he had nearly five years to figure out how great I am, but just repressed me. I may improve his quality of life, but he certainly doesn't improve mine and sometimes it saddens me that I insisted on staying for so long- that I didn't understand I didn't need him.
I've been thinking about love a lot. That seems to be a thing I do. I may not cultivate many relationships, but as aloof as I can seem I do tend to be relationship focused. It's always bene so when I sit down and think about it. Best friends, boyfriends, I've always put myself into them. Recently, I've obviously been focused on romantic love. What does it mean to love someone? Is there a difference to loving someone and being in love with someone? I used to think that maybe I wouldn't be able to tell. Love is love, right? But now my tune is changing. I loved TJ, I can't doubt that. We had a decent enough friendship and I'd like to think that if I had not loved him, I wouldn't have allowed myself to suffer through all that turmoil. I did it for the sake of love, right? I followed my heart. But the more I think about it, the less I believe that I was in love with him. I thought about babies and marriage frequently, but I don't think I would have ever agreed to marry TJ. And I think if I had ended up pregnant, I would have left him sooner. That was no environment for a child. More than anything, I think I liked the idea of marriage and the idea of children, but in the end I don't believe I would have allowed myself to be truly tied down to him. I think I grew to love him because he offered a sense of stability, which ultimately made me feel dependent on him, but that's absolutely ridiculous because he didn't offer me stability at all except in the fact that he continuously broke up with me and then would decide he didn't want to break up.
I think I might have loved Zach. He was my first. Not the first to break my heart, but surely the first to explore my body. The first person to make me feel desired and goddess-like. And sure, I thought about marriage then. He was in the air force so I dreamed of the adventures we would go on. The different places we would live. The people we would meet. I loved Zach because he made me feel extroverted. He made me feel fun. I think we had a good understanding that we could be this really fun, hip, entertaining, power couple...but the relationship just never took off. He was hot and cold because of the deployment thing, and honestly I don't think it would have worked out. I love meeting extroverts that make me feel extroverted, but that person I become isn't really true to myself. So I can say that I loved Zach, but I don't think I was in love with him either. But I wish we were friends.
Then there's Peace, the first boy to break my heart. He was always a fantasy.
But really, I want to talk about Brian. Maybe I'm still living in some honeymoon phase, but if anyone asked me if I loved Brian, I wouldn't hesitate to answer yes. More than that, I love the person I am when I'm with Brian. Zach made me feel fun, but Brian makes me feel funny. He brings out the goofy side of me that I reserve for my closest friends. Not even TJ managed that and we were together forever. Brian makes me want to be a better person, not only for myself, but because he's a good person, too. He's so caring and gentle, the tenderest person I've ever met, and sometimes it breaks my heart even just to think about him because he just makes me so happy. He understands me. The things that make me anxious. The things that thrill me. I've cried in front of him so many times and the beauty in that is they weren't tears over him for making me feel horrible, they were tears I needed to cry and he just always seems to get it. He doesn't question my feelings. He doesn't make me feel crazy. He's just always there. And he does wonderful things for me, too. Like taking me to DMV to make sure that I actually go and fix the things I need to have fixed. Or making me lunch because I hate doing it. Or looking up information, offering me advice, and generally just not being a manipulative ass. So yeah. I think I might understand the difference now between loving someone and being in love with someone.
I think we'd have really cute babies and I'd love to get married in his parents' back yard. Maybe we'll name our daughter Murphy. It was a thought the other night. He lets me tell him what I want to name our children.
I just really hope the feelings are mutual. I'm still scared that one day he's going to decide that he doesn't want to love me. We've been dating for 10 months now. I've told him I love him three times. He's told me zero times. And I'm okay with that. I'd rather him really mean it then to just say it because it's a thing to do and he really likes me anyway. But I hope it comes one day. His actions speak love to me, so I'm sure it will. I really love this life we're creating together.
And that's all I have to say on that right now. I have more thoughts, but I'll let them stew. If I haven't done so already, later I'll have to tell you about my panic attack and how beautifully Brian helped me through it.
scullerymaid at 6:52 p.m.