October 12, 2015
Soucriant
So it's been a week since the dreaded event. As far as I can tell, things are going great, but I always thought they were going great to begin with so what do I know. Obviously, our issue is communication. I feel as though I'm growing in the relationship. I've been vulnerable, I've made compromises, I get excited whenever I know we're going to spend time together. I love spending time together. And I give of myself to him. I've shared my story with him. The hard times, the good times, things that scare me. I've confessed my feelings for him, and even how they were so muddled up together in the beginning.
But it's so hard for him to do the same. At least, I feel as though he holds back. He doesn't easily share these things. I won't say he isn't vulnerable with me, but what I get from him is the result of his vulnerability, and not the cause of it. Does that makes sense? I can see his emotion, but I don't know what the emotion is or how he really feels. And now I'm scared of him. I'm paranoid. We spend all this time together. We snuggle and cuddle and kiss and do all those couple things I've always wanted to do. Yet he was feeling disconnected for a few weeks, and as a result decided without any sort of consultation from me that we should just break up. He was going to do it without having a conversation, without trying to work things out. So my trust has been shattered. We've now moved backwards. Where I was finally feeling secure in the relationship, now I feel shaken. I don't want to feel this way. I'm glad we did talk things out and ultimately decided to stay together. But how can I trust these precious moments if he refuses to communicate with me?
But I choose him anyway. He's so kind and so good and so unlike anyone else I've ever been with.He's considerate and I feel as though I can let loose and just be myself around him, which is generally very hard for me to do around a lot of people. He comes from a really nice family and I really enjoy going out there to visit them. Basically, he's everything that I ever wanted. All these years that I've been hoping for love, if he had showed up at my door I would not have hesitated. Even now, I don't hesitate. I may be shaken. I may be scared and paranoid that he's unhappy, but I am still certain in my choice. I realized that this weekend. I'm willing to wait for him. I'm willing to go through these highs and lows. I decided almost from the get-go that I could see myself with this man, and by golly I plan on sticking to that. I just hope he sticks by it, too, because I don't know what else I can do on my part to improve things. Tj himself who always refused to admit his feelings for me said that I was a great girlfriend. Without his validation, I know my worth.
I feel as though I'm rambling and nothing I'm saying is making any sense. I just feel so certain about him, and even without those feelings, I already chose him. I hope this works out. I see no reason for it not to. The attraction is there. Our personalities are compatible. Our values and sense of intelligent seem to line up. We make a good match.
But whatever. I guess I'm not the one who needs to figure that out.
We really did have a nice weekend. I felt closer to him than I have in the last couple weeks. But today, being apart, that anxiety has returned a little bit.
scullerymaid at 11:07 a.m.