October 05, 2015
Do you know I love you?
So there has been a lot of stuff going on lately. I've banished myself from my home, so I've been wondering around a lot. During this period of self-banishment, I've decided not to renew my lease so I have no idea where I'm going to live- or how for that matter- when January rolls around. Guess I'll tackle that problem when it gets here. But it's been stressing me out a lot. I realize I did it to myself, but I needed to disassociate myself from my home if I wanted to commit to the idea of leaving it at the first of the year. I don't know if you recall or not, but I wasn't supposed to renew it last year and I was talked into staying. I didn't want to be talked into it again this year. I'm tired of walking on eggshells in my own house. I'm ready to move on. I don't want to get myself rutted and stuck here. Plus, I'm just so ready to be on my own again. What I'd give for a tiny little apartment to share with my cats. I've even been looking at studios, though they are far and few in this area. But we'll see. Stay optimistic, right?
But since I've been in this stressed state, I feel like I've been taking it out on Brian. Not Brian, but on our relationship. He seems pretty good with things, which is great. I've been asking little questions here and there, and he doesn't think I've been acting weird and he feels good about the relationship. Both good things for me. But I've been feeling restless, and in feeling this way I've begun scrutinizing certain things. Like how we don't really talk the way we used to. I understand these things change. We're comfortable now. But he used to keep me up until the early hours of the morning talking, and now I'm lucky if he checks in. This is exaggerated a little bit on my part. I do have a flare for drama with these things. But when I don't hear from him, it makes me feel rejected. I become a little on edge and my mind just become obsessed with why we don't have those long, drawn out conversations anymore. It's not really a big deal. I guess I just have all these insecurities I'm trying to work through, and the whole living situation isn't helping with my nerves.
Also, we don't have sex as much as I would like to. I was super excited when we finally crossed that line into the physical, but it would seem I have this super active sex drive, and he has an super low one, and there are times when I just want to scratch my eyes out because I crave him so bad. I sound like some kind of junkie. But it's true. I'm going crazy because I need for physical interaction...and he doesn't. I have no idea what to do about that. And I really do appreciate how slow we took things. I love the fact that we didn't jump right into bed when we met and that we took the time to get to know each other. But it's been five months. If we have such opposite drives, I just need a little more compromise.
So this has been weighing heavy on my mind for a little while now, and I wasn't sure how to bring it up. Well, for one reason or another I found the courage last night when we went to bed. I've always enjoyed pillow talk in the dark I guess. I was really hesitant at first. I was scared to bring these things up. I didn't want to create a chasm between us, but I also knew how important it was to say these things. Besides, so far we've managed to communicate well. Why work backwards? I won't lie. That was a tense bed after I spoke my peace. I think my heart was beating quicker than a rabbit's and I was stiff as a stone. And we were quiet. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I rolled into him, and to my distress he was laying there crying! Whenever Brian cries, my heart breaks. All the hesitation I was feeling melted away and I tried to snuggle him to death with my love and warmth and everything that had been weighing on me kinda evaporated.
It's really not easy for Brian to talk about his feelings. I'm not saying I'm the best at it expressing my own emotions, but I have a really hard time reading him. And that's how I felt after this exchange. Few words were spoke, so I still feel a little unsettled today. Those feelings have returned a little bit and I hope that we talk later.
In all of this, I may have told him that I loved him. It just came out while we were in bed crying together. And I meant it. I've been thinking about it for awhile, but I didn't think he was ready to hear it. But something about last night just brought it out. I guess that's another thing we should maybe address? I don't know. I'm a bundle of feelings today. I know everything is fine, but now that all these things have been put in the air I just want to see him.
I am still so very grateful for this relationship. No one has ever let me snuggle them the way Brian let's me snuggle him. It's funny. Just yesterday we were talking about how he sleeps on the very edge of the bed, and I take up the rest. It's because I'm trying to get as close to him as possible. No one let's me cry the way Brian let's me cry. God, I feel like I've been hit with a burst of tears so many times in his presence, and it's always okay. He makes me laugh, and the things we don't agree on are no big deal. I've never been in such a playful relationship, though his sense of humor does confuse me sometimes. My point it despite all these things I've been feeling, despite scrutinizing everything that's been going on, he does make me very happy. Being with him has this way of calming my mind.
It's when we're apart that I get back inside my head again...
scullerymaid at 11:27 a.m.